Picking up Speed

How on God’s Green Earth are we already more than half way through June?

It seems like just yesterday I was just relieved to get through May, and now??? So much to do still even though so much has happened.

Well – here’s the condensed version.

We went to LA for the Broad Humor Film Fest – got treated like Rock Stars pretty much the whole time and won the AUDIENCE AWARD!!! That is actually the third award our film has won – after being awarded an Indie Award of Merit and an LA Movie Award Honorable Mention for Narrative Feature!

Yeah – ACTION!!!

And although I’d love to be able to rest on my collective Laurel Leaves:) I have so much work still to do!

I’m planning a friend’s comedy roast that is happening in one week that I’m the Roast Master for. I start teaching tomorrow afternoon for the first two week program that I’m doing this summer. I have a bunch of pre-pro to do for a pilot that we’re filming in just a few more weeks – AND we’re still working on getting distribution squared away for ACTION!!!

Luckily, we’re getting some distribution companies coming to us for a change AND people are starting to suggest me for additional work!
It’s kind of crazy. I started this blog to document my life changing completely and that’s exactly what’s happening. In just 6 short months I’ve gone from Random Chick Typing Occasionally on her Couch to Award Winning Filmmaker Typing Occasionally on her Couch.

I went from ‘wanting to travel’ in 2009 to someone who hit NYC, Chicago and Atlanta in the first two weeks of 2010 and is now scheduled to go to England, Ireland and South Africa before the year is up and just got back from LA!
This year has been AMAZING and it’s only half way over:D

I’ve had so many social engagements too. One of the things I started doing was selecting profile pictures of myself with other people to use as my default. It sounds like a silly thing maybe – but in always looking at pictures of myself WITH other people, I am reminded daily that I am surrounded by friends and people who love me and on the few recent occasions that I’ve spent evenings home alone, it’s only been because I WANTED to. (A girl needs some downtime after all!)

Admittedly I felt like I needed a little time to catch up to ME when I got home from LA less than a week ago – but now I finally feel like I’m ready to keep rolling forward. It’s a good thing too, because it looks like it’s ‘full speed ahead’ from here on out!

Back to Normal???

It’s over – thank goodness the month of May is FINALLY over!

It blazed by. I knew it would. It’s impossible to be that busy and have a month drag on. No – May flew by in a flash of glory and guts bringing with it performance opportunities, great meals with good friends, reunions with people I haven’t seen in forever AND – an official festival selection!!!

YES – ACTION!!! will be screening at the Broad Humor Film Festival in Venice Beach California Saturday June 12 at 6pm at the Electric Lodge!
This will be our North American Festival Premier and we (Poison Oak Inc.) couldn’t be more excited! By the looks of things we are one of just three feature films screening at the event featuring a myriad of short films – all comedies, all written and directed by women.

We’re getting a great response from our people some of whom are making the trek out to LA to be a part of the festivities!

It’s happening – just like I said it would back in January or February or whenever I started this blog. All we need to do now is get distribution and we can start work on the next project. Well, we might be starting work on the next project anyway – a pilot in Daytona Beach – or we might be doing an Industrial in Orlando. Or an Industrial in Daytona…

We’ve got a few potential things in the works – not to mention a few series ideas to pitch and possibly get picked up.

There are some bigger deals in the works as well – but if I typed about them, I might have to hurt somebody:) (Probably just myself!)

So the work right now is balancing my life.

Can I be true to my inner writer and actress when I’m being the producer/director version of myself? And what of my inner friend, sister, daughter and lover? Should being financially and professionally successful come at the premium of being a failure in my personal life? Can I still help the improv troupe thrive if I’m busy promoting the film we all worked on?

Can’t all my goals work hand in hand in hand?

I watched two of my dearest friends get married Saturday. It wasn’t just a wedding – it was a production. The Epic-est Wedding Ever, as I call it! And me and another thespian friend lamented the fact that we did not have significant others in our lives to create that kind of spectacle with.

Don’t get me wrong. I have amazing creative and talented friends in my life. I get to make comedy and movies and song parodies and all kinds of great things with them. But I’m still holding out for a relationship with a ‘significant other’ that’s that stimulating and inspirational.

Do I have to wait until I’m a success? And will that make finding a lover less or MORE difficult? Men are so frequently intimidated by strong successful women… and yet to have someone love me before I ‘make it’ but adaptable to still want me after I make it – that’s a lot to ask for as well…

I guess I won’t worry.

It’s silly right? I just spent a wonderful day on a boat with friends and now I’m finally getting some much needed and sorely missed ‘down time.’
Things will all fall in place. I just need to let them – starting with the Broad Humor Film Festival in two weeks! http://www.channelsusan.com/broadhumor/features.htm

So all I need to do is make it through the next 12 days without spontaneously combusting – should be nooo problem:)

Not Giving Up

It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.

Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)

More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.

And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?

I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…

Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?

But I do feel loved – so that’s good.

And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!

I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…

I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.

So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.

As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.

In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’

It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…

I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)

Love: The Final Frontier...

So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!

And you’d be mostly right.

But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…

There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.

I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.

Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.

I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.

Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.

So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.

My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’

And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’

There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…

And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.

But how does one ‘earn’ love?

The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.

You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.

So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?

I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?

Dear Guy Who I Like –

It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.

Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.

Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.

At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.

Funny – huh?

I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.

So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.

Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)

Sincerely, and yours for the taking –

Hillary J.

PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!

It Keeps Getting Better!

I know it’s been a while.

I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’

But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!

For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.

All that rehearsal time – grrr…

But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.

Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…

Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.

I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.

Because - WAIT – there’s more.

About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)

What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.

We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.

These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.

So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.

In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.

On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…

Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’

Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.

Can you say WOW?????

I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.

Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.

But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…

Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…

This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!

This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.

I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!

Back on 'The Wagon'

It may seem like I’ve fallen off the wagon – and admittedly, to some degree – I have.

But not to worry – I’m hopping back on before too much damage is done I didn’t mean to stop blogging. I just got so busy living my new and improved life that I was running out of writing time. Of course, I really should know better.
The first few days I blew off journaling and blogging were fine – but for some reason, the longer I go without recording my thoughts and ‘precording’ my dreams, the farther off track I get.
I know writing probably doesn’t do it for everybody – but it really does keep me focused. We all have our own buttons and triggers. For me, apparently, sitting down and spelling out my intentions and dreams on paper or a computer screen hold some magical combination of power over my mind, emotions, soul and physical existence.
I suppose it’s just that the written word has always been extremely powerful to me.
Sure – there were a handful of shows that my family watched together on TV when I was little, but I have more distinct memories of my mom reading books to me when I was a child. I had a beautifully illustrated GIANT GOLDEN BOOK version of Dumbo that I loved. And the first book I could read by myself was called A Home for a Bunny. Maybe my Chinese Zodiac sign had more to do with my formative years than I thought because another favorite was of course the timeless classic Peter Rabbit.
Then there were the ‘chapter books.’ Ginny and Geneva, Nancy Drew, A Little Princess…
When I was five I told my mother I was going to be a writer. When I turned six I wanted to be EVERYTHING! But I’ve always enjoyed writing.
When I was 18 and enrolled at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this very well-intentioned friend who’d read some of my poetry told me, “I don’t know what kind of actress you are, but I can tell you this – you are an excellent writer.”
I was actually hurt at the time.
I’ve always seen myself as a performer. But now that I’m older, and wiser(?), I see the importance of good writing in the creation of all performance art and I embrace the me that loves to do both. Writing doesn’t take away from my abilities as an actress. If anything, it adds to them. Because when I read a script for the first time, my writer self sees the intent of the writer who wrote the piece. Then I let my actor self make additional choices that enhance the original intent without detracting from it.
So it only makes sense that something that has unlocked my imagination from my earliest recollections should be the tool through which I am able to manifest the life of my dreams.
Duh…
I wasn’t completely without inspiration over the last couple weeks as I worked a promotions gig for Bike Week, another promotions gig for a swanky Amelia Island car show, cantored multiple masses, rehearsed for Fringe Fest, worked to finish post production on my film, followed up on two new production gigs, and performed two RAI improv gigs at a new venue (whew!).
Here’s a song I wrote a few days ago. Thought you might like it

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t like who I see
Because I have not yet become all that I want to be
And I focus on the flaws, and I wonder about how
And I can’t see past the present – the limits of here and now
But before I give in to absolute despair
I whisper my dream aloud into the stagnant air
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…

I think therefore I am – is what Descartes once said
So all I have to do is change the thoughts inside my head
And for so many years, I not so patiently waited
But now I know the change comes the moment I create it

I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Each life is full of infinite possibilities
Achieved by making our dreams realities
And I am altering the course of humanity
Simply by changing the way that I see me
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…

Hope it helps keep you on track too!

Hillary J.

Staying Ahead of the Curve...

So last night I had a business meeting with one of my production partners. We got a lot done. We have a job that we're hoping to shoot on Friday the 12th.

Woo hoo!

And it's looking like the Sizzler will also be a 'go.' So - double woo hoo! With those pieces in the can AND Action!!! we'll have quite the schnazzy demo-reel for our little company and I JUST discovered an agent who helps match up advertisers with full service production companies.

Granted - commercials aren't my 'end all - be all,' but I do believe they can become a quick and easy revenue source and resume builder between larger projects.

I feel the wind-a-changin' :) Of course that could be because it's been CRAZY WINDY in Daytona the last couple of days!

It's funny - I had a really difficult time getting myself to my job yesterday because I was feeling kind of down. But I tried to think positive and 'suck it up' and went with a positive attitude and something really cool happened.

I had a great day.

But a huge part of that was changing my perspective. I was hired to be a promotions girl. And I'm great at it - I'll admit it. But I had my most successful day when I was honest with others about who I am and what I do. I very pleasantly told people when asked that I was an actress and a film producer and I wound up feeling happier, more confident and I made more money yesterday in spite of crappy weather than I'd made any of the other days so far.

I guess the trick is to always remember who you are.

Yes - I know who I am!

I am Hillary J. Walker - actress, singer, writer, producer, director, entrepreneur, friend, success and all around great person!

I promise I'm not bragging - just stating the facts:) You should state your facts too!