It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.
Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)
More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.
And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?
I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…
Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?
But I do feel loved – so that’s good.
And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!
I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…
I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.
So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.
As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.
In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’
It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…
I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)
Showing posts with label Law of Attraction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Law of Attraction. Show all posts
Friday, May 7, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Love: The Final Frontier...
So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!
And you’d be mostly right.
But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…
There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.
I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.
Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.
I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.
Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.
So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.
My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’
And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’
There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…
And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.
But how does one ‘earn’ love?
The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.
You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.
So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?
I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?
Dear Guy Who I Like –
It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.
Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.
Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.
At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.
Funny – huh?
I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.
So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.
Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)
Sincerely, and yours for the taking –
Hillary J.
PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!
And you’d be mostly right.
But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…
There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.
I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.
Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.
I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.
Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.
So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.
My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’
And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’
There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…
And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.
But how does one ‘earn’ love?
The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.
You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.
So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?
I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?
Dear Guy Who I Like –
It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.
Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.
Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.
At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.
Funny – huh?
I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.
So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.
Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)
Sincerely, and yours for the taking –
Hillary J.
PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It Keeps Getting Better!
I know it’s been a while.
I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’
But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!
For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.
All that rehearsal time – grrr…
But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.
Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…
Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.
I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.
Because - WAIT – there’s more.
About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)
What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.
We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.
These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.
So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.
In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.
On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…
Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’
Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.
Can you say WOW?????
I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.
Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.
But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…
Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…
This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!
This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.
I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!
I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’
But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!
For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.
All that rehearsal time – grrr…
But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.
Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…
Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.
I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.
Because - WAIT – there’s more.
About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)
What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.
We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.
These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.
So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.
In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.
On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…
Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’
Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.
Can you say WOW?????
I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.
Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.
But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…
Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…
This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!
This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.
I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!
Monday, February 22, 2010
New Project
I'm riding a new wave of energy and inspiration these days.
I still have some personal baggage to deal with, but I finally feel like my new year is in full swing and I decided to start a fiction project here as well.
Warning: It's my dark side.
Most of what I write creatively, tends to be comedic. I tend to see the world in very dark comedy. This new project of mine however is quite a bit darker. I might temper it a bit. I'm not sure yet. I'm still in the creation process of the universe in which my characters live. I actually decided to tie it into an older idea I had. The other story is slightly more upbeat.
This one - we'll see:) At any rate - since it's in its 'pupa' stage right now, try not to be too hard on it. It actually has a post-apocalyptic Vampire theme - how cool is that? It's a horror/fantasy/sci-fi blend. It will probably make a great graphic novel someday:)
Anyhow - on to other stuff...
I'd been fighting with myself to get my house back in shape after my mom left. Then I got a lucky break. One of my friends invited himself over for dinner and a movie. Nothing gets me moving faster than PEER PRESSURE!
I pulled the house together with lightening speed, made Beer brats and potatoes, and we watched Zombie Land and Russel Brand stand-up. All together a great Sunday evening;)
To make matters better - I had SUNSHINE yesterday and warm weather - ahhh.
Actually - that too is something I've started 'willing' ever since I got the bike week gig. I have to show off my bod a little bit so some sun is a very good thing - no one likes a pasty beer-tub girl;)
Still concentrating really hard on bringing lots of good stuff into my life. Mo' money, lot of luuuuuv and fun opportunities for travel and my improv troupe. And a MOVIE DEAL...
Lately I've been waking up looking forward to my days - and that's a great sign that all things are headed in the right direction.
Here's a mantra I wrote just before the first of the year - Enjoy...
I summon love, companionship, efficiency, success -
That I may with love and time and cash all those around me bless :D
I still have some personal baggage to deal with, but I finally feel like my new year is in full swing and I decided to start a fiction project here as well.
Warning: It's my dark side.
Most of what I write creatively, tends to be comedic. I tend to see the world in very dark comedy. This new project of mine however is quite a bit darker. I might temper it a bit. I'm not sure yet. I'm still in the creation process of the universe in which my characters live. I actually decided to tie it into an older idea I had. The other story is slightly more upbeat.
This one - we'll see:) At any rate - since it's in its 'pupa' stage right now, try not to be too hard on it. It actually has a post-apocalyptic Vampire theme - how cool is that? It's a horror/fantasy/sci-fi blend. It will probably make a great graphic novel someday:)
Anyhow - on to other stuff...
I'd been fighting with myself to get my house back in shape after my mom left. Then I got a lucky break. One of my friends invited himself over for dinner and a movie. Nothing gets me moving faster than PEER PRESSURE!
I pulled the house together with lightening speed, made Beer brats and potatoes, and we watched Zombie Land and Russel Brand stand-up. All together a great Sunday evening;)
To make matters better - I had SUNSHINE yesterday and warm weather - ahhh.
Actually - that too is something I've started 'willing' ever since I got the bike week gig. I have to show off my bod a little bit so some sun is a very good thing - no one likes a pasty beer-tub girl;)
Still concentrating really hard on bringing lots of good stuff into my life. Mo' money, lot of luuuuuv and fun opportunities for travel and my improv troupe. And a MOVIE DEAL...
Lately I've been waking up looking forward to my days - and that's a great sign that all things are headed in the right direction.
Here's a mantra I wrote just before the first of the year - Enjoy...
I summon love, companionship, efficiency, success -
That I may with love and time and cash all those around me bless :D
Friday, February 19, 2010
Feeling Like Me Again...
Since my writings here are kind of new, I don't really expect you to understand the significance of this post - but I'll do my best to fill you in.
I do stuff.
When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.
Here are some of the things I've DONE.
Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids
Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.
Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.
Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.
Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.
Produced a Feature length film...
Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.
But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.
But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.
I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.
All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?
My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)
So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.
And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.
Yeah!
I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.
I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!
I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.
So - all together now -
I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!
Hang on!!!!!
Hillary J.
I do stuff.
When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.
Here are some of the things I've DONE.
Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids
Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.
Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.
Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.
Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.
Produced a Feature length film...
Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.
But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.
But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.
I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.
All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?
My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)
So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.
And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.
Yeah!
I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.
I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!
I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.
So - all together now -
I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!
Hang on!!!!!
Hillary J.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Checking in and Shaping Up
So, I'm already off by a day - Cest la vie!
I'm not sure how realistic it is for me to try to blog daily - but I can attempt it, right? How does one go about getting readers here anyway? Link and advertise on Twitter or fb?
It was much easier to cull a following on MySpace. Sigh...
Anyhoo - I'm plugging along at being productive. I'm following up on improv leads and building our calender again - oh that's right - you all know nothing about me.
I direct an amazing improv troupe called Random Acts of Insanity. We've been performing in Central Florida since 2005 but we recently took a brief hiatus while a few of us did a local production of Rocky Horror and I took a well deserved breather from being 'in charge' of everything.
It can really wear on you, you know.
Let's see - what else should you know about me. I directed a feature film which is finally almost completely done. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517578/ That's the crazy thing about movies. You shoot them, you edit them and then it still takes a year for the pick-up shots, the final edits, the sound mastering, the ADR, the post FX and the final, FINAL mastering to be finished. (I'm sure I'm still leaving out a step or two.)
We wrapped on principle photography on May 15th of 2009. We finished the first viewing edit by June 25th. We didn't manage to get the pick-ups shot until October but we finished the final content edit just a few days later.
All the other stuff? I just had to wait - and waiting is something I'm not terribly good at. Making menacing phone calls and sending reminder emails? GIFTED! Finding other people to pick up the slack when the ball has been dropped? AMAZING! Sitting back and relaxing while other people do their jobs? Needs improvement:(
Nobody's perfect!
So this is part of my transformation from an anonymous but talented young-ish looking woman to an entertainment industry 'IT GIRL.' From a nine-toed disabled veteran barely surviving from one benefit check to the next to a multi-million or even billionaire benefactress.
My dreams are not small. They never have been. One of my biggest challenges has been financial. I do not come from wealth and my family didn't really educate me about money. I'm not BLAMING them for my short falls - I've been learning and tempering my understanding with some crazy unabashed risk taking.
My biggest problem so far though has really been my beliefs about money. That's what I'm working the hardest to correct right now. I am trying to come from a place of abundance, which can be difficult when your earliest and constant memories are of scarcity. And in truth, as much as I'm working to change my attitudes about money, cash is of far less importance to me than pursuing my art.
It is a necessary resource and nothing more. It's just a tool and a nice thing to have laying around in plenitude. I've been working specifically this week to attract it to myself saying things in my mind and out loud like, "Money is drawn to me. I have far more than I need at all times. Thousands and millions of dollars are coming to me. I am receiving money constantly in the mail, from jobs, from contests and as gifts. More and more money is coming to me everyday. I win money because I have good luck. I manage my money intelligently and am able to benefit other people with my abundance..."
You get the picture:)
So I'm getting improv leads, and a chance to teach more private drama students, and my film is almost done. I've also started networking on an online Female Artist Network - here's my page http://www.womenintheartsww.org/profile/HillaryJ
When I'm focused I achieve so much. I know this. The trick is staying focused...
I'm not sure how realistic it is for me to try to blog daily - but I can attempt it, right? How does one go about getting readers here anyway? Link and advertise on Twitter or fb?
It was much easier to cull a following on MySpace. Sigh...
Anyhoo - I'm plugging along at being productive. I'm following up on improv leads and building our calender again - oh that's right - you all know nothing about me.
I direct an amazing improv troupe called Random Acts of Insanity. We've been performing in Central Florida since 2005 but we recently took a brief hiatus while a few of us did a local production of Rocky Horror and I took a well deserved breather from being 'in charge' of everything.
It can really wear on you, you know.
Let's see - what else should you know about me. I directed a feature film which is finally almost completely done. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517578/ That's the crazy thing about movies. You shoot them, you edit them and then it still takes a year for the pick-up shots, the final edits, the sound mastering, the ADR, the post FX and the final, FINAL mastering to be finished. (I'm sure I'm still leaving out a step or two.)
We wrapped on principle photography on May 15th of 2009. We finished the first viewing edit by June 25th. We didn't manage to get the pick-ups shot until October but we finished the final content edit just a few days later.
All the other stuff? I just had to wait - and waiting is something I'm not terribly good at. Making menacing phone calls and sending reminder emails? GIFTED! Finding other people to pick up the slack when the ball has been dropped? AMAZING! Sitting back and relaxing while other people do their jobs? Needs improvement:(
Nobody's perfect!
So this is part of my transformation from an anonymous but talented young-ish looking woman to an entertainment industry 'IT GIRL.' From a nine-toed disabled veteran barely surviving from one benefit check to the next to a multi-million or even billionaire benefactress.
My dreams are not small. They never have been. One of my biggest challenges has been financial. I do not come from wealth and my family didn't really educate me about money. I'm not BLAMING them for my short falls - I've been learning and tempering my understanding with some crazy unabashed risk taking.
My biggest problem so far though has really been my beliefs about money. That's what I'm working the hardest to correct right now. I am trying to come from a place of abundance, which can be difficult when your earliest and constant memories are of scarcity. And in truth, as much as I'm working to change my attitudes about money, cash is of far less importance to me than pursuing my art.
It is a necessary resource and nothing more. It's just a tool and a nice thing to have laying around in plenitude. I've been working specifically this week to attract it to myself saying things in my mind and out loud like, "Money is drawn to me. I have far more than I need at all times. Thousands and millions of dollars are coming to me. I am receiving money constantly in the mail, from jobs, from contests and as gifts. More and more money is coming to me everyday. I win money because I have good luck. I manage my money intelligently and am able to benefit other people with my abundance..."
You get the picture:)
So I'm getting improv leads, and a chance to teach more private drama students, and my film is almost done. I've also started networking on an online Female Artist Network - here's my page http://www.womenintheartsww.org/profile/HillaryJ
When I'm focused I achieve so much. I know this. The trick is staying focused...
Monday, February 15, 2010
A Brave New Blog...
I am coming to you live from my home in Edgewater Florida: population Me, Bonita (a tuxedo cat) and Reggi (a handi-capable Mali Uromastyx.)
I'm a MySpace transplant. I used to blog there all the time, and now, it's like the old part of the Vegas Strip - cheap, deserted, tacky, and crawling with viruses and the dregs of cyber-society. So on I moved to Facebook - which is great, don't get me wrong - but nobody really reads 'Notes.' Hell, I write them but even I don't read the ones my friends post. Who has time with all the Farmville and Mafia War updates to keep abreast of?
And Tweeting is for the birds - obviously.
If I could regularly condense my thoughts into simple little 140 character quips, I'd have internet on my phone...
No, my thought processes are slightly more complex - or at least more verbose:)
Just an advanced warning - I :) a lot. I love :), -, and ...(.) I was never allowed to use them high school or in my military journalism school. And yet, since I've started blogging, I have know idea how I ever felt that I could express myself properly without them.
Then again, you're discouraged from putting yourself in your writing when you write articles and essays. Blogs however are delightfully self-indulgent. It's exhibitionist Diary keeping for the pseudo-intellect in each of us:) Yum!
So I don't even know really who is out there or who might be reading - but this is my introductory post - so I'm trying to e-shake your hand (far less contagious that way - not that I'm a germaphobe - I was in the military for crying out loud!!!)
I have some specific goals for this space. As you may have noticed I have entitled my blog Altering Reality: The 2010 Project. I know better than to assume people know what that means. Undoubtedly the vast majority of the two of you that stumble upon this blog will probably have in inkling of the concept given the blatant clues given in the title - but I warned you, I am verbose - so allow me to embellish.
In recent years I have become very in touch with the Humanist Movement and the Law of Attraction-ites. I've read The Secret, Conversations With God, Excuses Be Gone and Infinite Possibilities and am still periodically working on Think and Grow Rich. But reading books only makes you a scholar, not a practitioner. So now I'm trying to put my new-found beliefs into action. And I want to make a public accounting of my adventures.
I propose that within the coming calendar year - in less than 12 months - by the end 2010, I will alter the course of my own life to the extent that I won't even be able to recognize it - and I want you to come on this journey with me.
What's the worst that can happen? I can 'fail' miserably. A year could go by and I could still be broke and relatively lonely and not have achieved any further measure of success than I've already reached. Hell - I could even 'back-slide' a little and wind up worse for the wear, and you could all be witnesses. All five of you. (Notice how my reader number is already rising:)
But these scenarios are not likely to play out for one very important reason. I am NOT a fan of public humiliation. I am actually doing this to create a sense of accountability for myself.
I know that when I have to 'report' to other people, I'm exponentially more likely to accomplish my 'mission.' And if I can really do this and record it and you are all witnesses to it, maybe you'll begin to do it too. Maybe everybody will alter their own reality to a point where we all have exactly what we want in abundance including the intangibles like peace, love and contentment.
Or maybe you'll read this - think I'm a total crack-pot and continue to draw misery into your own existance because that's all you've ever known or believed in. That part is up to you in the long run.
But as for me and my blog - I will aim to inspire.
Of course - in the next few days, as you get to know me better (I'm going to try to update daily - crossing fingers - exceptionally difficult to do while typing) you'll learn of my current reality - the one I'm striving to alter. Not all of that is inspirational at the moment. But I want it to be. So as long as I have a goal in mind, at least I have hope of better tomorrow.
I invite you to read - to share with friends and to comment. I am a bit of an attention whore - I readily confess to that. Do not however get too disheartened if I don't always reply back right away.
A large part of altering my reality will come from my physical actions when I'm not on the computer. I'm very much a 'doer' with a very active life away from my computer screen. I know in the past I've wounded the feelings of 'online friends' who feel like I don't give them enough attention. Please don't be one of those people and we'll get along famously:)
Well then - enough for now. It's a pleasure to e-meet you! I'm sure this is the beginning of a beautiful blog-venture:)
With love and warm wishes -
The Original Hillary J
I'm a MySpace transplant. I used to blog there all the time, and now, it's like the old part of the Vegas Strip - cheap, deserted, tacky, and crawling with viruses and the dregs of cyber-society. So on I moved to Facebook - which is great, don't get me wrong - but nobody really reads 'Notes.' Hell, I write them but even I don't read the ones my friends post. Who has time with all the Farmville and Mafia War updates to keep abreast of?
And Tweeting is for the birds - obviously.
If I could regularly condense my thoughts into simple little 140 character quips, I'd have internet on my phone...
No, my thought processes are slightly more complex - or at least more verbose:)
Just an advanced warning - I :) a lot. I love :), -, and ...(.) I was never allowed to use them high school or in my military journalism school. And yet, since I've started blogging, I have know idea how I ever felt that I could express myself properly without them.
Then again, you're discouraged from putting yourself in your writing when you write articles and essays. Blogs however are delightfully self-indulgent. It's exhibitionist Diary keeping for the pseudo-intellect in each of us:) Yum!
So I don't even know really who is out there or who might be reading - but this is my introductory post - so I'm trying to e-shake your hand (far less contagious that way - not that I'm a germaphobe - I was in the military for crying out loud!!!)
I have some specific goals for this space. As you may have noticed I have entitled my blog Altering Reality: The 2010 Project. I know better than to assume people know what that means. Undoubtedly the vast majority of the two of you that stumble upon this blog will probably have in inkling of the concept given the blatant clues given in the title - but I warned you, I am verbose - so allow me to embellish.
In recent years I have become very in touch with the Humanist Movement and the Law of Attraction-ites. I've read The Secret, Conversations With God, Excuses Be Gone and Infinite Possibilities and am still periodically working on Think and Grow Rich. But reading books only makes you a scholar, not a practitioner. So now I'm trying to put my new-found beliefs into action. And I want to make a public accounting of my adventures.
I propose that within the coming calendar year - in less than 12 months - by the end 2010, I will alter the course of my own life to the extent that I won't even be able to recognize it - and I want you to come on this journey with me.
What's the worst that can happen? I can 'fail' miserably. A year could go by and I could still be broke and relatively lonely and not have achieved any further measure of success than I've already reached. Hell - I could even 'back-slide' a little and wind up worse for the wear, and you could all be witnesses. All five of you. (Notice how my reader number is already rising:)
But these scenarios are not likely to play out for one very important reason. I am NOT a fan of public humiliation. I am actually doing this to create a sense of accountability for myself.
I know that when I have to 'report' to other people, I'm exponentially more likely to accomplish my 'mission.' And if I can really do this and record it and you are all witnesses to it, maybe you'll begin to do it too. Maybe everybody will alter their own reality to a point where we all have exactly what we want in abundance including the intangibles like peace, love and contentment.
Or maybe you'll read this - think I'm a total crack-pot and continue to draw misery into your own existance because that's all you've ever known or believed in. That part is up to you in the long run.
But as for me and my blog - I will aim to inspire.
Of course - in the next few days, as you get to know me better (I'm going to try to update daily - crossing fingers - exceptionally difficult to do while typing) you'll learn of my current reality - the one I'm striving to alter. Not all of that is inspirational at the moment. But I want it to be. So as long as I have a goal in mind, at least I have hope of better tomorrow.
I invite you to read - to share with friends and to comment. I am a bit of an attention whore - I readily confess to that. Do not however get too disheartened if I don't always reply back right away.
A large part of altering my reality will come from my physical actions when I'm not on the computer. I'm very much a 'doer' with a very active life away from my computer screen. I know in the past I've wounded the feelings of 'online friends' who feel like I don't give them enough attention. Please don't be one of those people and we'll get along famously:)
Well then - enough for now. It's a pleasure to e-meet you! I'm sure this is the beginning of a beautiful blog-venture:)
With love and warm wishes -
The Original Hillary J
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