So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!
And you’d be mostly right.
But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…
There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.
I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.
Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.
I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.
Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.
So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.
My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’
And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’
There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…
And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.
But how does one ‘earn’ love?
The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.
You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.
So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?
I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?
Dear Guy Who I Like –
It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.
Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.
Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.
At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.
Funny – huh?
I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.
So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.
Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)
Sincerely, and yours for the taking –
Hillary J.
PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It Keeps Getting Better!
I know it’s been a while.
I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’
But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!
For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.
All that rehearsal time – grrr…
But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.
Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…
Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.
I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.
Because - WAIT – there’s more.
About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)
What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.
We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.
These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.
So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.
In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.
On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…
Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’
Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.
Can you say WOW?????
I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.
Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.
But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…
Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…
This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!
This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.
I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!
I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’
But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!
For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.
All that rehearsal time – grrr…
But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.
Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…
Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.
I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.
Because - WAIT – there’s more.
About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)
What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.
We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.
These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.
So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.
In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.
On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…
Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’
Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.
Can you say WOW?????
I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.
Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.
But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…
Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…
This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!
This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.
I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Back on 'The Wagon'
It may seem like I’ve fallen off the wagon – and admittedly, to some degree – I have.
But not to worry – I’m hopping back on before too much damage is done I didn’t mean to stop blogging. I just got so busy living my new and improved life that I was running out of writing time. Of course, I really should know better.
The first few days I blew off journaling and blogging were fine – but for some reason, the longer I go without recording my thoughts and ‘precording’ my dreams, the farther off track I get.
I know writing probably doesn’t do it for everybody – but it really does keep me focused. We all have our own buttons and triggers. For me, apparently, sitting down and spelling out my intentions and dreams on paper or a computer screen hold some magical combination of power over my mind, emotions, soul and physical existence.
I suppose it’s just that the written word has always been extremely powerful to me.
Sure – there were a handful of shows that my family watched together on TV when I was little, but I have more distinct memories of my mom reading books to me when I was a child. I had a beautifully illustrated GIANT GOLDEN BOOK version of Dumbo that I loved. And the first book I could read by myself was called A Home for a Bunny. Maybe my Chinese Zodiac sign had more to do with my formative years than I thought because another favorite was of course the timeless classic Peter Rabbit.
Then there were the ‘chapter books.’ Ginny and Geneva, Nancy Drew, A Little Princess…
When I was five I told my mother I was going to be a writer. When I turned six I wanted to be EVERYTHING! But I’ve always enjoyed writing.
When I was 18 and enrolled at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this very well-intentioned friend who’d read some of my poetry told me, “I don’t know what kind of actress you are, but I can tell you this – you are an excellent writer.”
I was actually hurt at the time.
I’ve always seen myself as a performer. But now that I’m older, and wiser(?), I see the importance of good writing in the creation of all performance art and I embrace the me that loves to do both. Writing doesn’t take away from my abilities as an actress. If anything, it adds to them. Because when I read a script for the first time, my writer self sees the intent of the writer who wrote the piece. Then I let my actor self make additional choices that enhance the original intent without detracting from it.
So it only makes sense that something that has unlocked my imagination from my earliest recollections should be the tool through which I am able to manifest the life of my dreams.
Duh…
I wasn’t completely without inspiration over the last couple weeks as I worked a promotions gig for Bike Week, another promotions gig for a swanky Amelia Island car show, cantored multiple masses, rehearsed for Fringe Fest, worked to finish post production on my film, followed up on two new production gigs, and performed two RAI improv gigs at a new venue (whew!).
Here’s a song I wrote a few days ago. Thought you might like it
Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t like who I see
Because I have not yet become all that I want to be
And I focus on the flaws, and I wonder about how
And I can’t see past the present – the limits of here and now
But before I give in to absolute despair
I whisper my dream aloud into the stagnant air
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
I think therefore I am – is what Descartes once said
So all I have to do is change the thoughts inside my head
And for so many years, I not so patiently waited
But now I know the change comes the moment I create it
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Each life is full of infinite possibilities
Achieved by making our dreams realities
And I am altering the course of humanity
Simply by changing the way that I see me
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Hope it helps keep you on track too!
Hillary J.
But not to worry – I’m hopping back on before too much damage is done I didn’t mean to stop blogging. I just got so busy living my new and improved life that I was running out of writing time. Of course, I really should know better.
The first few days I blew off journaling and blogging were fine – but for some reason, the longer I go without recording my thoughts and ‘precording’ my dreams, the farther off track I get.
I know writing probably doesn’t do it for everybody – but it really does keep me focused. We all have our own buttons and triggers. For me, apparently, sitting down and spelling out my intentions and dreams on paper or a computer screen hold some magical combination of power over my mind, emotions, soul and physical existence.
I suppose it’s just that the written word has always been extremely powerful to me.
Sure – there were a handful of shows that my family watched together on TV when I was little, but I have more distinct memories of my mom reading books to me when I was a child. I had a beautifully illustrated GIANT GOLDEN BOOK version of Dumbo that I loved. And the first book I could read by myself was called A Home for a Bunny. Maybe my Chinese Zodiac sign had more to do with my formative years than I thought because another favorite was of course the timeless classic Peter Rabbit.
Then there were the ‘chapter books.’ Ginny and Geneva, Nancy Drew, A Little Princess…
When I was five I told my mother I was going to be a writer. When I turned six I wanted to be EVERYTHING! But I’ve always enjoyed writing.
When I was 18 and enrolled at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this very well-intentioned friend who’d read some of my poetry told me, “I don’t know what kind of actress you are, but I can tell you this – you are an excellent writer.”
I was actually hurt at the time.
I’ve always seen myself as a performer. But now that I’m older, and wiser(?), I see the importance of good writing in the creation of all performance art and I embrace the me that loves to do both. Writing doesn’t take away from my abilities as an actress. If anything, it adds to them. Because when I read a script for the first time, my writer self sees the intent of the writer who wrote the piece. Then I let my actor self make additional choices that enhance the original intent without detracting from it.
So it only makes sense that something that has unlocked my imagination from my earliest recollections should be the tool through which I am able to manifest the life of my dreams.
Duh…
I wasn’t completely without inspiration over the last couple weeks as I worked a promotions gig for Bike Week, another promotions gig for a swanky Amelia Island car show, cantored multiple masses, rehearsed for Fringe Fest, worked to finish post production on my film, followed up on two new production gigs, and performed two RAI improv gigs at a new venue (whew!).
Here’s a song I wrote a few days ago. Thought you might like it
Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t like who I see
Because I have not yet become all that I want to be
And I focus on the flaws, and I wonder about how
And I can’t see past the present – the limits of here and now
But before I give in to absolute despair
I whisper my dream aloud into the stagnant air
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
I think therefore I am – is what Descartes once said
So all I have to do is change the thoughts inside my head
And for so many years, I not so patiently waited
But now I know the change comes the moment I create it
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Each life is full of infinite possibilities
Achieved by making our dreams realities
And I am altering the course of humanity
Simply by changing the way that I see me
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Hope it helps keep you on track too!
Hillary J.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Staying Ahead of the Curve...
So last night I had a business meeting with one of my production partners. We got a lot done. We have a job that we're hoping to shoot on Friday the 12th.
Woo hoo!
And it's looking like the Sizzler will also be a 'go.' So - double woo hoo! With those pieces in the can AND Action!!! we'll have quite the schnazzy demo-reel for our little company and I JUST discovered an agent who helps match up advertisers with full service production companies.
Granted - commercials aren't my 'end all - be all,' but I do believe they can become a quick and easy revenue source and resume builder between larger projects.
I feel the wind-a-changin' :) Of course that could be because it's been CRAZY WINDY in Daytona the last couple of days!
It's funny - I had a really difficult time getting myself to my job yesterday because I was feeling kind of down. But I tried to think positive and 'suck it up' and went with a positive attitude and something really cool happened.
I had a great day.
But a huge part of that was changing my perspective. I was hired to be a promotions girl. And I'm great at it - I'll admit it. But I had my most successful day when I was honest with others about who I am and what I do. I very pleasantly told people when asked that I was an actress and a film producer and I wound up feeling happier, more confident and I made more money yesterday in spite of crappy weather than I'd made any of the other days so far.
I guess the trick is to always remember who you are.
Yes - I know who I am!
I am Hillary J. Walker - actress, singer, writer, producer, director, entrepreneur, friend, success and all around great person!
I promise I'm not bragging - just stating the facts:) You should state your facts too!
Woo hoo!
And it's looking like the Sizzler will also be a 'go.' So - double woo hoo! With those pieces in the can AND Action!!! we'll have quite the schnazzy demo-reel for our little company and I JUST discovered an agent who helps match up advertisers with full service production companies.
Granted - commercials aren't my 'end all - be all,' but I do believe they can become a quick and easy revenue source and resume builder between larger projects.
I feel the wind-a-changin' :) Of course that could be because it's been CRAZY WINDY in Daytona the last couple of days!
It's funny - I had a really difficult time getting myself to my job yesterday because I was feeling kind of down. But I tried to think positive and 'suck it up' and went with a positive attitude and something really cool happened.
I had a great day.
But a huge part of that was changing my perspective. I was hired to be a promotions girl. And I'm great at it - I'll admit it. But I had my most successful day when I was honest with others about who I am and what I do. I very pleasantly told people when asked that I was an actress and a film producer and I wound up feeling happier, more confident and I made more money yesterday in spite of crappy weather than I'd made any of the other days so far.
I guess the trick is to always remember who you are.
Yes - I know who I am!
I am Hillary J. Walker - actress, singer, writer, producer, director, entrepreneur, friend, success and all around great person!
I promise I'm not bragging - just stating the facts:) You should state your facts too!
Friday, February 26, 2010
The 'Gap' Narrows...
It's kind of crazy - but things are already really starting to turn around for me - so thank you!
It's reporting to you a few times a week that helps to keep me on track!
Yesterday was simply amazing. I got up early to write. I had to finish what we're calling a 'sizzler' script to promote a TV show that some of my business contacts have in development. I had to hand it over yesterday and if they like it, odds are that I'll get the opportunity to help produce it. If the pitch goes well - hopefully I'll get to work on the series - so viva la 'SIZZLER'!!!
I taught my acting student and actually finished a little bit early so I met another business partner for lunch and discussed the sizzler and few other projects we've been working on putting together.
When we parted company it was on to a quick fitting and photo shoot to promote a promotional event (no - I'm NOT being redundant - that's exactly what it was;)that I'll be doing with one of my improv troupe mates in March.
I managed to get out of there in time to take yet another somewhat impromptu meeting about producing another project for a new account that another friend's business just landed.
I can't believe how productive yesterday was!
So today I've been making some follow up calls, reconnecting with some old contacts, working some more on the pilot script for the series and blogging about how quickly things got so amazing.
I'll fill you in on one of my little secrets.
It's called my 'Dream Journal.'
In it I write entries as if things I'm trying to make happen have already happened. Like right now, in my dream journal, I'm living in a custom-built home on the river just a few miles from my production studio (neither of which have actually been built yet:)and promoting my newest film while getting ready for the Oscars and starting pre-production on my next major film.
I discovered the power of my 'Dream Journal' about a year and a half ago, but unfortunately I've been sporadic about keeping it. However - without fail - when I do write in it at least a couple times a week the 'gap' between my dreams and my reality closes little by little. It's crazy and amazing and powerful and I don't even understand why I 'lose motivation.'
But this blog is partly about accountability and as long as I keep checking in with you, I know I need to continue to do everything in my power to make progress. So I'll just keep keeping on.
It's so amazingly simple. For just a little over two weeks now I have redirected my energy and my thinking to being a producer. I have kept following up on Action!!!, I have updated a networking site for female artists and I have booked new gigs for the troupe and suddenly everyone is seeing me in a new light - just because I took the time to shine it on myself.
Anything is possible. No - that's not exactly right - EVERYTHING is possible. I just hope I don't run out of dreams when I actually am living in that custom house getting ready for the Oscars. But something tells me with my imagination, that's not likely to happen any time soon:)
It's reporting to you a few times a week that helps to keep me on track!
Yesterday was simply amazing. I got up early to write. I had to finish what we're calling a 'sizzler' script to promote a TV show that some of my business contacts have in development. I had to hand it over yesterday and if they like it, odds are that I'll get the opportunity to help produce it. If the pitch goes well - hopefully I'll get to work on the series - so viva la 'SIZZLER'!!!
I taught my acting student and actually finished a little bit early so I met another business partner for lunch and discussed the sizzler and few other projects we've been working on putting together.
When we parted company it was on to a quick fitting and photo shoot to promote a promotional event (no - I'm NOT being redundant - that's exactly what it was;)that I'll be doing with one of my improv troupe mates in March.
I managed to get out of there in time to take yet another somewhat impromptu meeting about producing another project for a new account that another friend's business just landed.
I can't believe how productive yesterday was!
So today I've been making some follow up calls, reconnecting with some old contacts, working some more on the pilot script for the series and blogging about how quickly things got so amazing.
I'll fill you in on one of my little secrets.
It's called my 'Dream Journal.'
In it I write entries as if things I'm trying to make happen have already happened. Like right now, in my dream journal, I'm living in a custom-built home on the river just a few miles from my production studio (neither of which have actually been built yet:)and promoting my newest film while getting ready for the Oscars and starting pre-production on my next major film.
I discovered the power of my 'Dream Journal' about a year and a half ago, but unfortunately I've been sporadic about keeping it. However - without fail - when I do write in it at least a couple times a week the 'gap' between my dreams and my reality closes little by little. It's crazy and amazing and powerful and I don't even understand why I 'lose motivation.'
But this blog is partly about accountability and as long as I keep checking in with you, I know I need to continue to do everything in my power to make progress. So I'll just keep keeping on.
It's so amazingly simple. For just a little over two weeks now I have redirected my energy and my thinking to being a producer. I have kept following up on Action!!!, I have updated a networking site for female artists and I have booked new gigs for the troupe and suddenly everyone is seeing me in a new light - just because I took the time to shine it on myself.
Anything is possible. No - that's not exactly right - EVERYTHING is possible. I just hope I don't run out of dreams when I actually am living in that custom house getting ready for the Oscars. But something tells me with my imagination, that's not likely to happen any time soon:)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My Hero:)
So - this one's a little more personal - it's about a friend who did something really special for me last night and regardless of the reasons that he did it - I have to admit - it really made me feel loved:)
I’m sure he couldn’t possibly know how much that meant to me – which is why I had to thank him. But part of me is still reeling.
“It’s not like you to sell yourself short,” he’d said. And he’s right. I frequently feel like I have to remind people of all the hats I wear to get proper credit in my life. You’ve got to understand my background just a tad.
I grew up with boys. A brother, five male cousins, an uncle and a grandpa who teased me incessantly helped me to develop a thick skin and an iron will. I learned to fight hard to get my point across and I frequently find myself becoming a leader in group ventures by default. Hell – being the perfectionist that I am, I’m frequently the one mostly responsible for making sure that group tasks get accomplished at all.
It’s not like I do things to get ‘credit’ for them. I do them to get them done. I do them because I know that I can do them well. My only real complaint is when other people take credit for my work and ideas. Then I get more than a little pissed.
But sometimes, especially when meeting new people I omit details. People tend not to believe me if I try to accost them right away with a full bio of my life. I mean after all – how many people do you know that can laundry list their life with stuff like “Yeah, I was born in Germany, grew up mostly in New York and California, started singing before I could talk, won my first talent show at the age of two, started dancing at the age of four, got my first speaking role in a musical when I six even though they were only having girls 12 and older read for the part, had major roles in 6 musicals grades 10 – 12, got to travel to Europe TWICE in high school and spent New Year’s Eve in Berlin the year the wall came down, moved straight to NYC out of high school to attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts after turning down an acceptance to one of the NYU Tisch Schools, Emerson and full-ride scholarship for Musical Theater somewhere in VA that wasn’t reputable enough for me… And that was all by the time I turned 18. Let’s not forget the year and a half I spent in Korea as a missionary, the years I spent active in the Florida Army National Guard or all the television shows and films I worked on when I lived in SLC…”
I mean – s’rsly? I lived it and I’m not always sure I believe it
So when the two girls I’d never met before were trying to figure out who the heck I was, I answered by telling them about the improv troupe and about directing my movie.
“Um yeah – let’s not forget wrote, produced and acted in too…”
There was no malice. He wasn’t mocking me like my brother and cousins might have. No – it was almost like he was bragging for me. Like in some weird way he was proud of me or for me or something like that.
And NO ONE has ever done that for me before. The ex used to shut me up because he thought I talked too much anyway. And he worried about me sounding boastful I guess. Or maybe it’s just that since I didn’t make homemade bread and pop out babies he didn’t think I’d done anything worth bragging about. But this – this was so unexpected.
I’m sure he has no idea of how high he’s raising the bar right now.
He’s truly – without a doubt the best boyfriend I’ve never had – and he’s spoiling me so much that every guy I meet is going to have to live up to his standards. Some friends just aren’t aware of the damage that they’re doing
I’m sure he couldn’t possibly know how much that meant to me – which is why I had to thank him. But part of me is still reeling.
“It’s not like you to sell yourself short,” he’d said. And he’s right. I frequently feel like I have to remind people of all the hats I wear to get proper credit in my life. You’ve got to understand my background just a tad.
I grew up with boys. A brother, five male cousins, an uncle and a grandpa who teased me incessantly helped me to develop a thick skin and an iron will. I learned to fight hard to get my point across and I frequently find myself becoming a leader in group ventures by default. Hell – being the perfectionist that I am, I’m frequently the one mostly responsible for making sure that group tasks get accomplished at all.
It’s not like I do things to get ‘credit’ for them. I do them to get them done. I do them because I know that I can do them well. My only real complaint is when other people take credit for my work and ideas. Then I get more than a little pissed.
But sometimes, especially when meeting new people I omit details. People tend not to believe me if I try to accost them right away with a full bio of my life. I mean after all – how many people do you know that can laundry list their life with stuff like “Yeah, I was born in Germany, grew up mostly in New York and California, started singing before I could talk, won my first talent show at the age of two, started dancing at the age of four, got my first speaking role in a musical when I six even though they were only having girls 12 and older read for the part, had major roles in 6 musicals grades 10 – 12, got to travel to Europe TWICE in high school and spent New Year’s Eve in Berlin the year the wall came down, moved straight to NYC out of high school to attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts after turning down an acceptance to one of the NYU Tisch Schools, Emerson and full-ride scholarship for Musical Theater somewhere in VA that wasn’t reputable enough for me… And that was all by the time I turned 18. Let’s not forget the year and a half I spent in Korea as a missionary, the years I spent active in the Florida Army National Guard or all the television shows and films I worked on when I lived in SLC…”
I mean – s’rsly? I lived it and I’m not always sure I believe it
So when the two girls I’d never met before were trying to figure out who the heck I was, I answered by telling them about the improv troupe and about directing my movie.
“Um yeah – let’s not forget wrote, produced and acted in too…”
There was no malice. He wasn’t mocking me like my brother and cousins might have. No – it was almost like he was bragging for me. Like in some weird way he was proud of me or for me or something like that.
And NO ONE has ever done that for me before. The ex used to shut me up because he thought I talked too much anyway. And he worried about me sounding boastful I guess. Or maybe it’s just that since I didn’t make homemade bread and pop out babies he didn’t think I’d done anything worth bragging about. But this – this was so unexpected.
I’m sure he has no idea of how high he’s raising the bar right now.
He’s truly – without a doubt the best boyfriend I’ve never had – and he’s spoiling me so much that every guy I meet is going to have to live up to his standards. Some friends just aren’t aware of the damage that they’re doing
Monday, February 22, 2010
New Project
I'm riding a new wave of energy and inspiration these days.
I still have some personal baggage to deal with, but I finally feel like my new year is in full swing and I decided to start a fiction project here as well.
Warning: It's my dark side.
Most of what I write creatively, tends to be comedic. I tend to see the world in very dark comedy. This new project of mine however is quite a bit darker. I might temper it a bit. I'm not sure yet. I'm still in the creation process of the universe in which my characters live. I actually decided to tie it into an older idea I had. The other story is slightly more upbeat.
This one - we'll see:) At any rate - since it's in its 'pupa' stage right now, try not to be too hard on it. It actually has a post-apocalyptic Vampire theme - how cool is that? It's a horror/fantasy/sci-fi blend. It will probably make a great graphic novel someday:)
Anyhow - on to other stuff...
I'd been fighting with myself to get my house back in shape after my mom left. Then I got a lucky break. One of my friends invited himself over for dinner and a movie. Nothing gets me moving faster than PEER PRESSURE!
I pulled the house together with lightening speed, made Beer brats and potatoes, and we watched Zombie Land and Russel Brand stand-up. All together a great Sunday evening;)
To make matters better - I had SUNSHINE yesterday and warm weather - ahhh.
Actually - that too is something I've started 'willing' ever since I got the bike week gig. I have to show off my bod a little bit so some sun is a very good thing - no one likes a pasty beer-tub girl;)
Still concentrating really hard on bringing lots of good stuff into my life. Mo' money, lot of luuuuuv and fun opportunities for travel and my improv troupe. And a MOVIE DEAL...
Lately I've been waking up looking forward to my days - and that's a great sign that all things are headed in the right direction.
Here's a mantra I wrote just before the first of the year - Enjoy...
I summon love, companionship, efficiency, success -
That I may with love and time and cash all those around me bless :D
I still have some personal baggage to deal with, but I finally feel like my new year is in full swing and I decided to start a fiction project here as well.
Warning: It's my dark side.
Most of what I write creatively, tends to be comedic. I tend to see the world in very dark comedy. This new project of mine however is quite a bit darker. I might temper it a bit. I'm not sure yet. I'm still in the creation process of the universe in which my characters live. I actually decided to tie it into an older idea I had. The other story is slightly more upbeat.
This one - we'll see:) At any rate - since it's in its 'pupa' stage right now, try not to be too hard on it. It actually has a post-apocalyptic Vampire theme - how cool is that? It's a horror/fantasy/sci-fi blend. It will probably make a great graphic novel someday:)
Anyhow - on to other stuff...
I'd been fighting with myself to get my house back in shape after my mom left. Then I got a lucky break. One of my friends invited himself over for dinner and a movie. Nothing gets me moving faster than PEER PRESSURE!
I pulled the house together with lightening speed, made Beer brats and potatoes, and we watched Zombie Land and Russel Brand stand-up. All together a great Sunday evening;)
To make matters better - I had SUNSHINE yesterday and warm weather - ahhh.
Actually - that too is something I've started 'willing' ever since I got the bike week gig. I have to show off my bod a little bit so some sun is a very good thing - no one likes a pasty beer-tub girl;)
Still concentrating really hard on bringing lots of good stuff into my life. Mo' money, lot of luuuuuv and fun opportunities for travel and my improv troupe. And a MOVIE DEAL...
Lately I've been waking up looking forward to my days - and that's a great sign that all things are headed in the right direction.
Here's a mantra I wrote just before the first of the year - Enjoy...
I summon love, companionship, efficiency, success -
That I may with love and time and cash all those around me bless :D
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