Love: The Final Frontier...

So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!

And you’d be mostly right.

But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…

There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.

I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.

Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.

I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.

Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.

So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.

My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’

And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’

There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…

And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.

But how does one ‘earn’ love?

The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.

You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.

So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?

I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?

Dear Guy Who I Like –

It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.

Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.

Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.

At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.

Funny – huh?

I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.

So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.

Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)

Sincerely, and yours for the taking –

Hillary J.

PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!