It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.
Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)
More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.
And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?
I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…
Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?
But I do feel loved – so that’s good.
And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!
I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…
I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.
So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.
As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.
In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’
It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…
I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Friday, May 7, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Love: The Final Frontier...
So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!
And you’d be mostly right.
But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…
There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.
I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.
Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.
I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.
Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.
So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.
My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’
And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’
There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…
And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.
But how does one ‘earn’ love?
The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.
You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.
So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?
I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?
Dear Guy Who I Like –
It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.
Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.
Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.
At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.
Funny – huh?
I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.
So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.
Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)
Sincerely, and yours for the taking –
Hillary J.
PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!
And you’d be mostly right.
But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…
There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.
I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.
Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.
I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.
Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.
So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.
My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’
And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’
There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…
And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.
But how does one ‘earn’ love?
The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.
You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.
So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?
I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?
Dear Guy Who I Like –
It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.
Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.
Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.
At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.
Funny – huh?
I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.
So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.
Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)
Sincerely, and yours for the taking –
Hillary J.
PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My Hero:)
So - this one's a little more personal - it's about a friend who did something really special for me last night and regardless of the reasons that he did it - I have to admit - it really made me feel loved:)
I’m sure he couldn’t possibly know how much that meant to me – which is why I had to thank him. But part of me is still reeling.
“It’s not like you to sell yourself short,” he’d said. And he’s right. I frequently feel like I have to remind people of all the hats I wear to get proper credit in my life. You’ve got to understand my background just a tad.
I grew up with boys. A brother, five male cousins, an uncle and a grandpa who teased me incessantly helped me to develop a thick skin and an iron will. I learned to fight hard to get my point across and I frequently find myself becoming a leader in group ventures by default. Hell – being the perfectionist that I am, I’m frequently the one mostly responsible for making sure that group tasks get accomplished at all.
It’s not like I do things to get ‘credit’ for them. I do them to get them done. I do them because I know that I can do them well. My only real complaint is when other people take credit for my work and ideas. Then I get more than a little pissed.
But sometimes, especially when meeting new people I omit details. People tend not to believe me if I try to accost them right away with a full bio of my life. I mean after all – how many people do you know that can laundry list their life with stuff like “Yeah, I was born in Germany, grew up mostly in New York and California, started singing before I could talk, won my first talent show at the age of two, started dancing at the age of four, got my first speaking role in a musical when I six even though they were only having girls 12 and older read for the part, had major roles in 6 musicals grades 10 – 12, got to travel to Europe TWICE in high school and spent New Year’s Eve in Berlin the year the wall came down, moved straight to NYC out of high school to attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts after turning down an acceptance to one of the NYU Tisch Schools, Emerson and full-ride scholarship for Musical Theater somewhere in VA that wasn’t reputable enough for me… And that was all by the time I turned 18. Let’s not forget the year and a half I spent in Korea as a missionary, the years I spent active in the Florida Army National Guard or all the television shows and films I worked on when I lived in SLC…”
I mean – s’rsly? I lived it and I’m not always sure I believe it
So when the two girls I’d never met before were trying to figure out who the heck I was, I answered by telling them about the improv troupe and about directing my movie.
“Um yeah – let’s not forget wrote, produced and acted in too…”
There was no malice. He wasn’t mocking me like my brother and cousins might have. No – it was almost like he was bragging for me. Like in some weird way he was proud of me or for me or something like that.
And NO ONE has ever done that for me before. The ex used to shut me up because he thought I talked too much anyway. And he worried about me sounding boastful I guess. Or maybe it’s just that since I didn’t make homemade bread and pop out babies he didn’t think I’d done anything worth bragging about. But this – this was so unexpected.
I’m sure he has no idea of how high he’s raising the bar right now.
He’s truly – without a doubt the best boyfriend I’ve never had – and he’s spoiling me so much that every guy I meet is going to have to live up to his standards. Some friends just aren’t aware of the damage that they’re doing
I’m sure he couldn’t possibly know how much that meant to me – which is why I had to thank him. But part of me is still reeling.
“It’s not like you to sell yourself short,” he’d said. And he’s right. I frequently feel like I have to remind people of all the hats I wear to get proper credit in my life. You’ve got to understand my background just a tad.
I grew up with boys. A brother, five male cousins, an uncle and a grandpa who teased me incessantly helped me to develop a thick skin and an iron will. I learned to fight hard to get my point across and I frequently find myself becoming a leader in group ventures by default. Hell – being the perfectionist that I am, I’m frequently the one mostly responsible for making sure that group tasks get accomplished at all.
It’s not like I do things to get ‘credit’ for them. I do them to get them done. I do them because I know that I can do them well. My only real complaint is when other people take credit for my work and ideas. Then I get more than a little pissed.
But sometimes, especially when meeting new people I omit details. People tend not to believe me if I try to accost them right away with a full bio of my life. I mean after all – how many people do you know that can laundry list their life with stuff like “Yeah, I was born in Germany, grew up mostly in New York and California, started singing before I could talk, won my first talent show at the age of two, started dancing at the age of four, got my first speaking role in a musical when I six even though they were only having girls 12 and older read for the part, had major roles in 6 musicals grades 10 – 12, got to travel to Europe TWICE in high school and spent New Year’s Eve in Berlin the year the wall came down, moved straight to NYC out of high school to attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts after turning down an acceptance to one of the NYU Tisch Schools, Emerson and full-ride scholarship for Musical Theater somewhere in VA that wasn’t reputable enough for me… And that was all by the time I turned 18. Let’s not forget the year and a half I spent in Korea as a missionary, the years I spent active in the Florida Army National Guard or all the television shows and films I worked on when I lived in SLC…”
I mean – s’rsly? I lived it and I’m not always sure I believe it
So when the two girls I’d never met before were trying to figure out who the heck I was, I answered by telling them about the improv troupe and about directing my movie.
“Um yeah – let’s not forget wrote, produced and acted in too…”
There was no malice. He wasn’t mocking me like my brother and cousins might have. No – it was almost like he was bragging for me. Like in some weird way he was proud of me or for me or something like that.
And NO ONE has ever done that for me before. The ex used to shut me up because he thought I talked too much anyway. And he worried about me sounding boastful I guess. Or maybe it’s just that since I didn’t make homemade bread and pop out babies he didn’t think I’d done anything worth bragging about. But this – this was so unexpected.
I’m sure he has no idea of how high he’s raising the bar right now.
He’s truly – without a doubt the best boyfriend I’ve never had – and he’s spoiling me so much that every guy I meet is going to have to live up to his standards. Some friends just aren’t aware of the damage that they’re doing
Friday, February 19, 2010
Feeling Like Me Again...
Since my writings here are kind of new, I don't really expect you to understand the significance of this post - but I'll do my best to fill you in.
I do stuff.
When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.
Here are some of the things I've DONE.
Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids
Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.
Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.
Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.
Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.
Produced a Feature length film...
Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.
But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.
But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.
I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.
All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?
My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)
So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.
And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.
Yeah!
I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.
I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!
I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.
So - all together now -
I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!
Hang on!!!!!
Hillary J.
I do stuff.
When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.
Here are some of the things I've DONE.
Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids
Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.
Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.
Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.
Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.
Produced a Feature length film...
Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.
But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.
But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.
I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.
All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?
My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)
So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.
And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.
Yeah!
I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.
I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!
I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.
So - all together now -
I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!
Hang on!!!!!
Hillary J.
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