Not Giving Up

It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.

Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)

More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.

And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?

I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…

Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?

But I do feel loved – so that’s good.

And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!

I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…

I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.

So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.

As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.

In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’

It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…

I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)

Feeling Like Me Again...

Since my writings here are kind of new, I don't really expect you to understand the significance of this post - but I'll do my best to fill you in.

I do stuff.

When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.

Here are some of the things I've DONE.

Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids

Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.

Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.

Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.

Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.

Produced a Feature length film...

Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.

But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.

But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.

I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.

All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?

My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)

So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.

And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.

Yeah!

I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.

I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!

I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.

So - all together now -

I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!

Hang on!!!!!

Hillary J.

Checking in and Shaping Up

So, I'm already off by a day - Cest la vie!

I'm not sure how realistic it is for me to try to blog daily - but I can attempt it, right? How does one go about getting readers here anyway? Link and advertise on Twitter or fb?

It was much easier to cull a following on MySpace. Sigh...

Anyhoo - I'm plugging along at being productive. I'm following up on improv leads and building our calender again - oh that's right - you all know nothing about me.

I direct an amazing improv troupe called Random Acts of Insanity. We've been performing in Central Florida since 2005 but we recently took a brief hiatus while a few of us did a local production of Rocky Horror and I took a well deserved breather from being 'in charge' of everything.

It can really wear on you, you know.

Let's see - what else should you know about me. I directed a feature film which is finally almost completely done. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517578/ That's the crazy thing about movies. You shoot them, you edit them and then it still takes a year for the pick-up shots, the final edits, the sound mastering, the ADR, the post FX and the final, FINAL mastering to be finished. (I'm sure I'm still leaving out a step or two.)

We wrapped on principle photography on May 15th of 2009. We finished the first viewing edit by June 25th. We didn't manage to get the pick-ups shot until October but we finished the final content edit just a few days later.

All the other stuff? I just had to wait - and waiting is something I'm not terribly good at. Making menacing phone calls and sending reminder emails? GIFTED! Finding other people to pick up the slack when the ball has been dropped? AMAZING! Sitting back and relaxing while other people do their jobs? Needs improvement:(

Nobody's perfect!

So this is part of my transformation from an anonymous but talented young-ish looking woman to an entertainment industry 'IT GIRL.' From a nine-toed disabled veteran barely surviving from one benefit check to the next to a multi-million or even billionaire benefactress.

My dreams are not small. They never have been. One of my biggest challenges has been financial. I do not come from wealth and my family didn't really educate me about money. I'm not BLAMING them for my short falls - I've been learning and tempering my understanding with some crazy unabashed risk taking.

My biggest problem so far though has really been my beliefs about money. That's what I'm working the hardest to correct right now. I am trying to come from a place of abundance, which can be difficult when your earliest and constant memories are of scarcity. And in truth, as much as I'm working to change my attitudes about money, cash is of far less importance to me than pursuing my art.

It is a necessary resource and nothing more. It's just a tool and a nice thing to have laying around in plenitude. I've been working specifically this week to attract it to myself saying things in my mind and out loud like, "Money is drawn to me. I have far more than I need at all times. Thousands and millions of dollars are coming to me. I am receiving money constantly in the mail, from jobs, from contests and as gifts. More and more money is coming to me everyday. I win money because I have good luck. I manage my money intelligently and am able to benefit other people with my abundance..."

You get the picture:)

So I'm getting improv leads, and a chance to teach more private drama students, and my film is almost done. I've also started networking on an online Female Artist Network - here's my page http://www.womenintheartsww.org/profile/HillaryJ
When I'm focused I achieve so much. I know this. The trick is staying focused...