Picking up Speed

How on God’s Green Earth are we already more than half way through June?

It seems like just yesterday I was just relieved to get through May, and now??? So much to do still even though so much has happened.

Well – here’s the condensed version.

We went to LA for the Broad Humor Film Fest – got treated like Rock Stars pretty much the whole time and won the AUDIENCE AWARD!!! That is actually the third award our film has won – after being awarded an Indie Award of Merit and an LA Movie Award Honorable Mention for Narrative Feature!

Yeah – ACTION!!!

And although I’d love to be able to rest on my collective Laurel Leaves:) I have so much work still to do!

I’m planning a friend’s comedy roast that is happening in one week that I’m the Roast Master for. I start teaching tomorrow afternoon for the first two week program that I’m doing this summer. I have a bunch of pre-pro to do for a pilot that we’re filming in just a few more weeks – AND we’re still working on getting distribution squared away for ACTION!!!

Luckily, we’re getting some distribution companies coming to us for a change AND people are starting to suggest me for additional work!
It’s kind of crazy. I started this blog to document my life changing completely and that’s exactly what’s happening. In just 6 short months I’ve gone from Random Chick Typing Occasionally on her Couch to Award Winning Filmmaker Typing Occasionally on her Couch.

I went from ‘wanting to travel’ in 2009 to someone who hit NYC, Chicago and Atlanta in the first two weeks of 2010 and is now scheduled to go to England, Ireland and South Africa before the year is up and just got back from LA!
This year has been AMAZING and it’s only half way over:D

I’ve had so many social engagements too. One of the things I started doing was selecting profile pictures of myself with other people to use as my default. It sounds like a silly thing maybe – but in always looking at pictures of myself WITH other people, I am reminded daily that I am surrounded by friends and people who love me and on the few recent occasions that I’ve spent evenings home alone, it’s only been because I WANTED to. (A girl needs some downtime after all!)

Admittedly I felt like I needed a little time to catch up to ME when I got home from LA less than a week ago – but now I finally feel like I’m ready to keep rolling forward. It’s a good thing too, because it looks like it’s ‘full speed ahead’ from here on out!

Back to Normal???

It’s over – thank goodness the month of May is FINALLY over!

It blazed by. I knew it would. It’s impossible to be that busy and have a month drag on. No – May flew by in a flash of glory and guts bringing with it performance opportunities, great meals with good friends, reunions with people I haven’t seen in forever AND – an official festival selection!!!

YES – ACTION!!! will be screening at the Broad Humor Film Festival in Venice Beach California Saturday June 12 at 6pm at the Electric Lodge!
This will be our North American Festival Premier and we (Poison Oak Inc.) couldn’t be more excited! By the looks of things we are one of just three feature films screening at the event featuring a myriad of short films – all comedies, all written and directed by women.

We’re getting a great response from our people some of whom are making the trek out to LA to be a part of the festivities!

It’s happening – just like I said it would back in January or February or whenever I started this blog. All we need to do now is get distribution and we can start work on the next project. Well, we might be starting work on the next project anyway – a pilot in Daytona Beach – or we might be doing an Industrial in Orlando. Or an Industrial in Daytona…

We’ve got a few potential things in the works – not to mention a few series ideas to pitch and possibly get picked up.

There are some bigger deals in the works as well – but if I typed about them, I might have to hurt somebody:) (Probably just myself!)

So the work right now is balancing my life.

Can I be true to my inner writer and actress when I’m being the producer/director version of myself? And what of my inner friend, sister, daughter and lover? Should being financially and professionally successful come at the premium of being a failure in my personal life? Can I still help the improv troupe thrive if I’m busy promoting the film we all worked on?

Can’t all my goals work hand in hand in hand?

I watched two of my dearest friends get married Saturday. It wasn’t just a wedding – it was a production. The Epic-est Wedding Ever, as I call it! And me and another thespian friend lamented the fact that we did not have significant others in our lives to create that kind of spectacle with.

Don’t get me wrong. I have amazing creative and talented friends in my life. I get to make comedy and movies and song parodies and all kinds of great things with them. But I’m still holding out for a relationship with a ‘significant other’ that’s that stimulating and inspirational.

Do I have to wait until I’m a success? And will that make finding a lover less or MORE difficult? Men are so frequently intimidated by strong successful women… and yet to have someone love me before I ‘make it’ but adaptable to still want me after I make it – that’s a lot to ask for as well…

I guess I won’t worry.

It’s silly right? I just spent a wonderful day on a boat with friends and now I’m finally getting some much needed and sorely missed ‘down time.’
Things will all fall in place. I just need to let them – starting with the Broad Humor Film Festival in two weeks! http://www.channelsusan.com/broadhumor/features.htm

So all I need to do is make it through the next 12 days without spontaneously combusting – should be nooo problem:)

Not Giving Up

It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.

Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)

More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.

And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?

I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…

Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?

But I do feel loved – so that’s good.

And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!

I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…

I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.

So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.

As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.

In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’

It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…

I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)

Love: The Final Frontier...

So, probably a few of you reading this think – Damn! That girl has it goin’ ON!

And you’d be mostly right.

But alas – every superhero has his or her Achilles’ heel. And matters of the heart tend to be mine. You see, there’s this guy…

There’s always been at least one guy. I really don’t know how to exist without fixating on at least one person. I mean, what is life without any hope or promise of love? So I find people that I reach out to and shower with all the love I can.

I just keep my true feelings to myself because I see confessions of love as veritable Free Will oxymorons.

Loving someone is above all things – a choice to be made. It is something we can’t quantify or explain with science. And it is the one arena in our lives that sheer will alone cannot seem to control.

I for one, have NO desire to MAKE someone love me. The beauty of love comes from being chosen. The thrill of romance comes from feeling that other person’s excitement when they see you. Melting into their waiting embrace and feeling their heart match in rhythm with yours.

Not pushing or pulling or molding into love – but offering and having that offer enthusiastically accepted.

So there’s this guy – who over course of the last few years I’ve known him has gone from a cute guy, to a cool guy to now become in my life THIS guy… Only I really don’t know how to let him know without compromising everything we already have.

My head says it doesn’t have to. My brain tells me, ‘Hillary – just be honest with the dude. It’s not like he could possibly be TOTALLY oblivious after all this time. He must know at some level. And although he hasn’t made a MOVE per se – at least he hasn’t really done anything to discourage you. So be honest.’

And then my wussy, silly, fragile heart says, ‘But why ruin a good thing? You know he cares. Can’t that be enough? Why risk scaring him away? Making him uncomfortable? And if he rejects you, then you have destroyed the fantasy. And sometimes, a girl just needs to believe in a fairy tale to keep going…’

There aren’t any more left to believe in. I know that the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring me chocolate and hide eggs for me to find. If I ever lose another tooth, I know that no money will appear beneath my pillow. Santa doesn’t leave presents for me under the tree anymore. And this Sleeping Beauty would almost rather keep dreaming than wake up to find that the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from a guy who thinks she’s great and all but just not in that way…

And yet – this blog – this whole experiment is about changing my life by changing the way I think. So can I do this too? Can I train myself to believe that I am worthy of love? That I deserve love just as much as I deserve fame, and money and success, and a distribution deal and future production deals, and director jobs and starring roles?

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind – in spite of what I’ve been told, taught and have read in the past few years with regards to the Law of Attraction and the art of Manifesting, my good old-fashioned programming has kicked in somewhere and convinced myself that I am ‘ready,’ I am ‘worthy,’ and I finally deserve all the things I am bringing to me because of my hard work, my perseverance and the ‘dues’ that I’ve paid.

But how does one ‘earn’ love?

The truth is – you can’t. You can only receive it.

You can only receive ALL of it. Worthiness, dues, earning – it’s all an illusion. Receiving - that’s the truth. I’m learning. I am.

So here’s the question. Is it possible that after the past of years of my association with This Guy, that maybe for him I’ve gone from being an interesting chic, to a cool chic to This Chic?

I mean – it’s possible – isn’t it?

Dear Guy Who I Like –

It’s no use you know. We are going to wind up together so you might as well just deal with it. I know you THINK you like that other girl more but you are about to finally realize you’ve been wrong.

Of course I’ve known this all along – but I’ve also known you. And I know that you do not like being told things – you like to figure them out for yourself.

Admittedly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for your ‘aha’ moment to arrive: hence this letter. I am giving you until May first to figure it out.

At that point, if you have not, you will be forcing me to say something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, as quite frankly sharing my feelings is probably the only thing in the world that I am afraid of.

Funny – huh?

I can face cancer, Basic Training for the Army, foreign food, foreign countries and languages, grumpy overbearing business associates, power hungry bosses, stadiums full of people, scary movies, snakes, lizards and spiders without a shred of fear – but put me in a room with someone I truly care about and tell me to share my feelings and I’m at a total loss.

So, in order to avoid something we both know could be messy (you have seen me with my guard down once and I think we can agree it was not a ‘pretty’ sight) I encourage you to step up – be that big hunk of adorable man I know you can be – and tell ME how YOU really feel.

Or just grab me and kiss me. I promise I’ll get the message. And then neither of us has to worry about over complicating things:)

Sincerely, and yours for the taking –

Hillary J.

PS – The more I think about it, the more I think the whole kiss thing is probably your best option. But hey – I’ll leave it up to you!

It Keeps Getting Better!

I know it’s been a while.

I haven’t forgotten. Yet again I’ve become ‘overextended…’

But it’s not altogether a bad thing. It’s just like summer in Florida – when it rains – it pours!

For the past several months my sketch comedy group has been preparing to perform at the Orlando Fringe Fest – a veritable orgy of live theater from Central Florida and around the world. We were just starting to feel like we were in pretty good shape
when suddenly one of our players got a major job that took him out of town.

All that rehearsal time – grrr…

But none of us could begrudge him. So we recast and we’re back to full steam ahead – only more intense to get our new guy up to speed.

Then Agnes of God happened. It was a production that I was aware of last fall, but I had been told it was already cast. Then THEY lost an actress and decided I was the best fit – and well…

Yes – rehearsing for two shows that all but overlap. I rehearse for Agnes of God Sunday and Wednesday evenings and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I rehearse for the Humor Mill Monday and Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. I rehearse with my improv troupe Random Acts of Insanity Tuesday evenings. And I sing at Our Lady of Lourdes Saturday afternoons and Sunday Mornings. I teach lessons Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon and sometimes perform Friday and or Saturday nights.

I haven’t done laundry or cooked myself and honest to goodness meal in over a month now.

Because - WAIT – there’s more.

About three weeks ago now my co-executive producer and I signed off on a ‘final’ version of ACTION!!! (my movie) and decided to show it to the cast and crew, put it out to a few more festivals and send it off to a few more distributors.
(We watched the final edit a couple days after we got our first official offer for the film which was not high enough – but still about three times what we spent in cash…)

What has happened with that in just the last three weeks has been truly unprecedented.

We heard back almost immediately from one of the festivals that we were selected and that selection in that festival guaranteed us selection in up to 8 additional international film festivals sponsored by the same partners.

These festivals will be taking place over the next 12 months in Ireland, England, South Africa, Thailand, Egypt, India and Whales.

So now we’re hustling for sponsorship money to fund trips all over the world.

In that same week I managed to line up a radio interview at Rollins College and an interview with a former associate of mine from the Florida National Guard Public Affairs Office on the day of the preview AND a nationally televised appearance on The Daily Buzz with film cast mate Mitch English.

On the day following the interview I went to St. Petersburg for the Sunscreen Film Festival where I was able to meet with and pitch to four different distributors, all of whom seemed genuinely interested in the concept and the story behind the film. Some of whom had major connections to even larger companies…

Of course all this happened a couple of days after the preview itself where we managed to sell off the remaining shares and meet a gentleman who has connections to yet ANOTHER major distributor. The preview was HUGELY successful and today I heard snippets of our first journalistic review which included the phrases ‘the best thing to come out Florida since Disney,’ and ‘the most mature Florida film since Blair Witch.’

Oh yeah – and another thing. I found out Monday that a short I was in is showing at Cannes in a few weeks. So my flip-flopping over whether or not to go just shifted into – ‘Oh my heck – I’ve GOT to get there,’ mode.

Can you say WOW?????

I’m riding a roller-coaster and it’s incredible.

Last night I had to cry. I mean really cry. I got crazy upset over some little thing that wasn’t really anything and cried until I felt better again.

But, there’s been a little bit of a down-side. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating much or particularly well. I just keep GOING…

Most of the time I’m cool with that, but right now, I could use a little break. So I’m getting a little one. Nah – I’m taking a little one…

This is the crazy part. I started this blog to catalogue my life turning around. Completely changing from what it has been up to this point – and you know what? It’s happening! It really is!

This is definitely the REAL DEAL. Of course I’ve been putting the wheels in motion over the last few years with the filming of ACTION!!! last year being a BIG piece of that. But lots of people shoot movies and never really do anything with them. This really IS different. I am manifesting this. And it really helps that I have so many other people on this journey with me.

I’m really making it and it’s more amazing than I ever dreamed!

Back on 'The Wagon'

It may seem like I’ve fallen off the wagon – and admittedly, to some degree – I have.

But not to worry – I’m hopping back on before too much damage is done I didn’t mean to stop blogging. I just got so busy living my new and improved life that I was running out of writing time. Of course, I really should know better.
The first few days I blew off journaling and blogging were fine – but for some reason, the longer I go without recording my thoughts and ‘precording’ my dreams, the farther off track I get.
I know writing probably doesn’t do it for everybody – but it really does keep me focused. We all have our own buttons and triggers. For me, apparently, sitting down and spelling out my intentions and dreams on paper or a computer screen hold some magical combination of power over my mind, emotions, soul and physical existence.
I suppose it’s just that the written word has always been extremely powerful to me.
Sure – there were a handful of shows that my family watched together on TV when I was little, but I have more distinct memories of my mom reading books to me when I was a child. I had a beautifully illustrated GIANT GOLDEN BOOK version of Dumbo that I loved. And the first book I could read by myself was called A Home for a Bunny. Maybe my Chinese Zodiac sign had more to do with my formative years than I thought because another favorite was of course the timeless classic Peter Rabbit.
Then there were the ‘chapter books.’ Ginny and Geneva, Nancy Drew, A Little Princess…
When I was five I told my mother I was going to be a writer. When I turned six I wanted to be EVERYTHING! But I’ve always enjoyed writing.
When I was 18 and enrolled at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this very well-intentioned friend who’d read some of my poetry told me, “I don’t know what kind of actress you are, but I can tell you this – you are an excellent writer.”
I was actually hurt at the time.
I’ve always seen myself as a performer. But now that I’m older, and wiser(?), I see the importance of good writing in the creation of all performance art and I embrace the me that loves to do both. Writing doesn’t take away from my abilities as an actress. If anything, it adds to them. Because when I read a script for the first time, my writer self sees the intent of the writer who wrote the piece. Then I let my actor self make additional choices that enhance the original intent without detracting from it.
So it only makes sense that something that has unlocked my imagination from my earliest recollections should be the tool through which I am able to manifest the life of my dreams.
Duh…
I wasn’t completely without inspiration over the last couple weeks as I worked a promotions gig for Bike Week, another promotions gig for a swanky Amelia Island car show, cantored multiple masses, rehearsed for Fringe Fest, worked to finish post production on my film, followed up on two new production gigs, and performed two RAI improv gigs at a new venue (whew!).
Here’s a song I wrote a few days ago. Thought you might like it

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t like who I see
Because I have not yet become all that I want to be
And I focus on the flaws, and I wonder about how
And I can’t see past the present – the limits of here and now
But before I give in to absolute despair
I whisper my dream aloud into the stagnant air
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…

I think therefore I am – is what Descartes once said
So all I have to do is change the thoughts inside my head
And for so many years, I not so patiently waited
But now I know the change comes the moment I create it

I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…
Each life is full of infinite possibilities
Achieved by making our dreams realities
And I am altering the course of humanity
Simply by changing the way that I see me
I am a winner
I am a fighter
I am a lover
I am brighter – than any star that’s shone before and my name’s on the tip of your tongue
I am successful
I am giving
I am laughter
I am living – and I’m only getting started - yeah, I’m not even close to done…

Hope it helps keep you on track too!

Hillary J.

Staying Ahead of the Curve...

So last night I had a business meeting with one of my production partners. We got a lot done. We have a job that we're hoping to shoot on Friday the 12th.

Woo hoo!

And it's looking like the Sizzler will also be a 'go.' So - double woo hoo! With those pieces in the can AND Action!!! we'll have quite the schnazzy demo-reel for our little company and I JUST discovered an agent who helps match up advertisers with full service production companies.

Granted - commercials aren't my 'end all - be all,' but I do believe they can become a quick and easy revenue source and resume builder between larger projects.

I feel the wind-a-changin' :) Of course that could be because it's been CRAZY WINDY in Daytona the last couple of days!

It's funny - I had a really difficult time getting myself to my job yesterday because I was feeling kind of down. But I tried to think positive and 'suck it up' and went with a positive attitude and something really cool happened.

I had a great day.

But a huge part of that was changing my perspective. I was hired to be a promotions girl. And I'm great at it - I'll admit it. But I had my most successful day when I was honest with others about who I am and what I do. I very pleasantly told people when asked that I was an actress and a film producer and I wound up feeling happier, more confident and I made more money yesterday in spite of crappy weather than I'd made any of the other days so far.

I guess the trick is to always remember who you are.

Yes - I know who I am!

I am Hillary J. Walker - actress, singer, writer, producer, director, entrepreneur, friend, success and all around great person!

I promise I'm not bragging - just stating the facts:) You should state your facts too!

The 'Gap' Narrows...

It's kind of crazy - but things are already really starting to turn around for me - so thank you!

It's reporting to you a few times a week that helps to keep me on track!

Yesterday was simply amazing. I got up early to write. I had to finish what we're calling a 'sizzler' script to promote a TV show that some of my business contacts have in development. I had to hand it over yesterday and if they like it, odds are that I'll get the opportunity to help produce it. If the pitch goes well - hopefully I'll get to work on the series - so viva la 'SIZZLER'!!!

I taught my acting student and actually finished a little bit early so I met another business partner for lunch and discussed the sizzler and few other projects we've been working on putting together.

When we parted company it was on to a quick fitting and photo shoot to promote a promotional event (no - I'm NOT being redundant - that's exactly what it was;)that I'll be doing with one of my improv troupe mates in March.

I managed to get out of there in time to take yet another somewhat impromptu meeting about producing another project for a new account that another friend's business just landed.

I can't believe how productive yesterday was!

So today I've been making some follow up calls, reconnecting with some old contacts, working some more on the pilot script for the series and blogging about how quickly things got so amazing.

I'll fill you in on one of my little secrets.

It's called my 'Dream Journal.'

In it I write entries as if things I'm trying to make happen have already happened. Like right now, in my dream journal, I'm living in a custom-built home on the river just a few miles from my production studio (neither of which have actually been built yet:)and promoting my newest film while getting ready for the Oscars and starting pre-production on my next major film.

I discovered the power of my 'Dream Journal' about a year and a half ago, but unfortunately I've been sporadic about keeping it. However - without fail - when I do write in it at least a couple times a week the 'gap' between my dreams and my reality closes little by little. It's crazy and amazing and powerful and I don't even understand why I 'lose motivation.'

But this blog is partly about accountability and as long as I keep checking in with you, I know I need to continue to do everything in my power to make progress. So I'll just keep keeping on.

It's so amazingly simple. For just a little over two weeks now I have redirected my energy and my thinking to being a producer. I have kept following up on Action!!!, I have updated a networking site for female artists and I have booked new gigs for the troupe and suddenly everyone is seeing me in a new light - just because I took the time to shine it on myself.

Anything is possible. No - that's not exactly right - EVERYTHING is possible. I just hope I don't run out of dreams when I actually am living in that custom house getting ready for the Oscars. But something tells me with my imagination, that's not likely to happen any time soon:)

My Hero:)

So - this one's a little more personal - it's about a friend who did something really special for me last night and regardless of the reasons that he did it - I have to admit - it really made me feel loved:)




I’m sure he couldn’t possibly know how much that meant to me – which is why I had to thank him. But part of me is still reeling.

“It’s not like you to sell yourself short,” he’d said. And he’s right. I frequently feel like I have to remind people of all the hats I wear to get proper credit in my life. You’ve got to understand my background just a tad.

I grew up with boys. A brother, five male cousins, an uncle and a grandpa who teased me incessantly helped me to develop a thick skin and an iron will. I learned to fight hard to get my point across and I frequently find myself becoming a leader in group ventures by default. Hell – being the perfectionist that I am, I’m frequently the one mostly responsible for making sure that group tasks get accomplished at all.

It’s not like I do things to get ‘credit’ for them. I do them to get them done. I do them because I know that I can do them well. My only real complaint is when other people take credit for my work and ideas. Then I get more than a little pissed.

But sometimes, especially when meeting new people I omit details. People tend not to believe me if I try to accost them right away with a full bio of my life. I mean after all – how many people do you know that can laundry list their life with stuff like “Yeah, I was born in Germany, grew up mostly in New York and California, started singing before I could talk, won my first talent show at the age of two, started dancing at the age of four, got my first speaking role in a musical when I six even though they were only having girls 12 and older read for the part, had major roles in 6 musicals grades 10 – 12, got to travel to Europe TWICE in high school and spent New Year’s Eve in Berlin the year the wall came down, moved straight to NYC out of high school to attend the American Academy of Dramatic Arts after turning down an acceptance to one of the NYU Tisch Schools, Emerson and full-ride scholarship for Musical Theater somewhere in VA that wasn’t reputable enough for me… And that was all by the time I turned 18. Let’s not forget the year and a half I spent in Korea as a missionary, the years I spent active in the Florida Army National Guard or all the television shows and films I worked on when I lived in SLC…”

I mean – s’rsly? I lived it and I’m not always sure I believe it

So when the two girls I’d never met before were trying to figure out who the heck I was, I answered by telling them about the improv troupe and about directing my movie.

“Um yeah – let’s not forget wrote, produced and acted in too…”

There was no malice. He wasn’t mocking me like my brother and cousins might have. No – it was almost like he was bragging for me. Like in some weird way he was proud of me or for me or something like that.

And NO ONE has ever done that for me before. The ex used to shut me up because he thought I talked too much anyway. And he worried about me sounding boastful I guess. Or maybe it’s just that since I didn’t make homemade bread and pop out babies he didn’t think I’d done anything worth bragging about. But this – this was so unexpected.

I’m sure he has no idea of how high he’s raising the bar right now.

He’s truly – without a doubt the best boyfriend I’ve never had – and he’s spoiling me so much that every guy I meet is going to have to live up to his standards. Some friends just aren’t aware of the damage that they’re doing

New Project

I'm riding a new wave of energy and inspiration these days.

I still have some personal baggage to deal with, but I finally feel like my new year is in full swing and I decided to start a fiction project here as well.

Warning: It's my dark side.

Most of what I write creatively, tends to be comedic. I tend to see the world in very dark comedy. This new project of mine however is quite a bit darker. I might temper it a bit. I'm not sure yet. I'm still in the creation process of the universe in which my characters live. I actually decided to tie it into an older idea I had. The other story is slightly more upbeat.

This one - we'll see:) At any rate - since it's in its 'pupa' stage right now, try not to be too hard on it. It actually has a post-apocalyptic Vampire theme - how cool is that? It's a horror/fantasy/sci-fi blend. It will probably make a great graphic novel someday:)

Anyhow - on to other stuff...

I'd been fighting with myself to get my house back in shape after my mom left. Then I got a lucky break. One of my friends invited himself over for dinner and a movie. Nothing gets me moving faster than PEER PRESSURE!

I pulled the house together with lightening speed, made Beer brats and potatoes, and we watched Zombie Land and Russel Brand stand-up. All together a great Sunday evening;)

To make matters better - I had SUNSHINE yesterday and warm weather - ahhh.

Actually - that too is something I've started 'willing' ever since I got the bike week gig. I have to show off my bod a little bit so some sun is a very good thing - no one likes a pasty beer-tub girl;)

Still concentrating really hard on bringing lots of good stuff into my life. Mo' money, lot of luuuuuv and fun opportunities for travel and my improv troupe. And a MOVIE DEAL...

Lately I've been waking up looking forward to my days - and that's a great sign that all things are headed in the right direction.

Here's a mantra I wrote just before the first of the year - Enjoy...

I summon love, companionship, efficiency, success -
That I may with love and time and cash all those around me bless :D

Feeling Like Me Again...

Since my writings here are kind of new, I don't really expect you to understand the significance of this post - but I'll do my best to fill you in.

I do stuff.

When people talk about 'watchers' and 'doers' I fall under the 'doer' category. I get things done, I make things happen, I stick it out - you get the picture.

Here are some of the things I've DONE.

Put together several summer arts programs for school-aged kids

Written and directed several one-act plays and musical reviews for students.

Created a news program for the Florida National Guard.

Started an Improv Troupe now in it's 5th year.

Organized countless events, activities and fundraisers for churches, schools and theaters.

Produced a Feature length film...

Of all these things the last kind of got to me the most I think. We created the company, raised the money and blew through pre-production in just 3 weeks. We shot the principle photography in just three days. The first edit was done within a month.

But we needed some pick-up shots and for MONTHS we couldn't get in touch with some of our vital production staff. Then we couldn't get our sound-guy, camera guy and our location all together at the same time for a few weeks. Finally in OCTOBER we finished in half a day what we'd been waiting for over 3 months to complete - as far as shooting and editing were concerned.

But for some reason we still didn't have our FX done. We did not need the final shots to get the FX - we just needed the people who said they'd do them to get them done and to us.

I was promised everything would be done by November - and then December - and then January. Meanwhile, film festivals that we'd already submitted work prints to came and went and we didn't make it in because the final print that I was PROMISED was still not delivered. Sound needed the FX - the FX guy was out of town. The FX guy was back in town but the files were misplaced. The files were found but the FX guy decided he needed more time to make them look better.

All this while my co-producer tried to tell me there was nothing I could do. Then I saw the FX. I couldn't believe it. I'd waited all this time for THIS?!?!?!?

My cat with a 'sparkler and bag of Pop Rocks could have done a better job' (and with a cat you KNOW it would have been much more entertaining - LOTS of hits on YOUTUBE:)

So one of my friends who worked as the second AD on the shoot stepped in to try his hand. And my co-producer finally started to smooth out the glitches he said HE'd take care of.

And the Improv Troupe that I've had on Hiatus started rehearsing and booking shows again. And suddenly - once more, my days are filled with meetings, emails, phone calls, follow-ups, proposals and lists and quite honestly I couldn't be happier.

Yeah!

I wasn't sure for a little while. I thought about going back to school even. I don't wait well. But now - I'm me. Just booked yet another gig this week for the troupe. I'm writing again - I'm cooking again. I'm even starting to work out again.

I'd say slowly but surely - but nah - there's nothing slow about it. I'm back in the saddle Baby! And it feels GREAT!

I did get phone call from someone special yesterday. Not the someone I'd hoped - but still - it was great to hear from this person. And as for feeling loved, my cat camped out on my lap last night and made me feel like the entire world revolved around me for a couple of hours and all I had to do was sit there and listen to her purr and enjoy the moment.

So - all together now -

I have lots of money. Money is coming to me from every direction. My improv troupe will perform on cruise ships before the end of the year. My film will be shown in Cannes. I will have an abundance of wealth, love, success and time to enjoy it all. An amazing relationship is starting for me. This year will be the best journey yet! All I have to do is enjoy the ride!

Hang on!!!!!

Hillary J.

It Really Works!!!

So - I just wanted all you 'Doubting Tomases and Tomasinas' to know that my little positive thinking Money Mantra worked yesterday!

I was offered a short term job for Daytona's biggest cash earner of the year, BIKE WEEK! I will be working for about a week and a half in an official promotion venue for Three Olives. Yippee! Money:)

AND - even more impressive, my partner called to tell me he had a buyer for the remaining stock in our company! That means more festivals, promotions, money for the preview - PLUS a reimbursement of some personal funds I laid down to finish the project a couple of months ago.

AND - I had a great business meeting yesterday about a venue for expanding my teaching practice.

AND - I've got a new line a possible way to get my troupe on a cruise line!

Things are definitely coming together!!!

It's like 2010 has finally started - at long, long, last:)

So - Money is still coming to me - I receive money from many sources all around me, Money is coming to me from work, from mail, from gifts and from contests I win. I am very lucky when it comes to money.

Now - I'm adding a little more positive ju - ju. L'Amore...

I actually have tons of love in my life. I've recently come to embody a new philosophy on love. It actually stems from the Bible quote, "We love Him because He first loved us."

So often we focus on getting love. We 'fall in love' with somebody but when they don't love us back we stop showing them love in our actions and we look elsewhere always seeking the love we can get.

But I've worked to change my focus. I find that the people I love I can continue to love even if they don't 'love me in that way.' Because almost always, when I show love to people through my actions, I receive some sort of reciprocity. It may not be a romantic candle-lit dinner for two. It might just be a friendly phone call when I need it most - or big hug and smile to go with for absolutely no reason at all. Who am I to judge how another person loves me?

The law of attraction, karma, the golden rule or whatever it is you live by dictates that if you keep offering in abundance you will receive back all that you give and then some. It's just the way things work.

So if you keep loving - eventually you receive the kind of love you crave. THIS IS NOT A LICENSE TO STALK!!! There is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and showing them through acts of kindness and words of encouragement and thinking that excessive calling, texting or 'showing up' where they are will somehow 'turn them' - or change their mind or heart. That is NOT unconditional love. That is manipulation - and it's NOT COOL! Repeat - NOT COOL!

So - here's a love mantra for today - let's see how it goes...

I am loved. I love many people and they love me. My friends think about me when I'm not around and enjoy spending time with me. Someone special who I love is loving me right now. Someone I care deeply about will share his feelings with me. A loving romantic relationship is starting between me and another person and it will be fun, connected and long lasting!

Okay - now to sit back and wait to be loved:) If today is anything like yesterday - I won't have to wait for very long!

Checking in and Shaping Up

So, I'm already off by a day - Cest la vie!

I'm not sure how realistic it is for me to try to blog daily - but I can attempt it, right? How does one go about getting readers here anyway? Link and advertise on Twitter or fb?

It was much easier to cull a following on MySpace. Sigh...

Anyhoo - I'm plugging along at being productive. I'm following up on improv leads and building our calender again - oh that's right - you all know nothing about me.

I direct an amazing improv troupe called Random Acts of Insanity. We've been performing in Central Florida since 2005 but we recently took a brief hiatus while a few of us did a local production of Rocky Horror and I took a well deserved breather from being 'in charge' of everything.

It can really wear on you, you know.

Let's see - what else should you know about me. I directed a feature film which is finally almost completely done. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517578/ That's the crazy thing about movies. You shoot them, you edit them and then it still takes a year for the pick-up shots, the final edits, the sound mastering, the ADR, the post FX and the final, FINAL mastering to be finished. (I'm sure I'm still leaving out a step or two.)

We wrapped on principle photography on May 15th of 2009. We finished the first viewing edit by June 25th. We didn't manage to get the pick-ups shot until October but we finished the final content edit just a few days later.

All the other stuff? I just had to wait - and waiting is something I'm not terribly good at. Making menacing phone calls and sending reminder emails? GIFTED! Finding other people to pick up the slack when the ball has been dropped? AMAZING! Sitting back and relaxing while other people do their jobs? Needs improvement:(

Nobody's perfect!

So this is part of my transformation from an anonymous but talented young-ish looking woman to an entertainment industry 'IT GIRL.' From a nine-toed disabled veteran barely surviving from one benefit check to the next to a multi-million or even billionaire benefactress.

My dreams are not small. They never have been. One of my biggest challenges has been financial. I do not come from wealth and my family didn't really educate me about money. I'm not BLAMING them for my short falls - I've been learning and tempering my understanding with some crazy unabashed risk taking.

My biggest problem so far though has really been my beliefs about money. That's what I'm working the hardest to correct right now. I am trying to come from a place of abundance, which can be difficult when your earliest and constant memories are of scarcity. And in truth, as much as I'm working to change my attitudes about money, cash is of far less importance to me than pursuing my art.

It is a necessary resource and nothing more. It's just a tool and a nice thing to have laying around in plenitude. I've been working specifically this week to attract it to myself saying things in my mind and out loud like, "Money is drawn to me. I have far more than I need at all times. Thousands and millions of dollars are coming to me. I am receiving money constantly in the mail, from jobs, from contests and as gifts. More and more money is coming to me everyday. I win money because I have good luck. I manage my money intelligently and am able to benefit other people with my abundance..."

You get the picture:)

So I'm getting improv leads, and a chance to teach more private drama students, and my film is almost done. I've also started networking on an online Female Artist Network - here's my page http://www.womenintheartsww.org/profile/HillaryJ
When I'm focused I achieve so much. I know this. The trick is staying focused...

A Brave New Blog...

I am coming to you live from my home in Edgewater Florida: population Me, Bonita (a tuxedo cat) and Reggi (a handi-capable Mali Uromastyx.)

I'm a MySpace transplant. I used to blog there all the time, and now, it's like the old part of the Vegas Strip - cheap, deserted, tacky, and crawling with viruses and the dregs of cyber-society. So on I moved to Facebook - which is great, don't get me wrong - but nobody really reads 'Notes.' Hell, I write them but even I don't read the ones my friends post. Who has time with all the Farmville and Mafia War updates to keep abreast of?

And Tweeting is for the birds - obviously.

If I could regularly condense my thoughts into simple little 140 character quips, I'd have internet on my phone...

No, my thought processes are slightly more complex - or at least more verbose:)

Just an advanced warning - I :) a lot. I love :), -, and ...(.) I was never allowed to use them high school or in my military journalism school. And yet, since I've started blogging, I have know idea how I ever felt that I could express myself properly without them.

Then again, you're discouraged from putting yourself in your writing when you write articles and essays. Blogs however are delightfully self-indulgent. It's exhibitionist Diary keeping for the pseudo-intellect in each of us:) Yum!

So I don't even know really who is out there or who might be reading - but this is my introductory post - so I'm trying to e-shake your hand (far less contagious that way - not that I'm a germaphobe - I was in the military for crying out loud!!!)

I have some specific goals for this space. As you may have noticed I have entitled my blog Altering Reality: The 2010 Project. I know better than to assume people know what that means. Undoubtedly the vast majority of the two of you that stumble upon this blog will probably have in inkling of the concept given the blatant clues given in the title - but I warned you, I am verbose - so allow me to embellish.

In recent years I have become very in touch with the Humanist Movement and the Law of Attraction-ites. I've read The Secret, Conversations With God, Excuses Be Gone and Infinite Possibilities and am still periodically working on Think and Grow Rich. But reading books only makes you a scholar, not a practitioner. So now I'm trying to put my new-found beliefs into action. And I want to make a public accounting of my adventures.

I propose that within the coming calendar year - in less than 12 months - by the end 2010, I will alter the course of my own life to the extent that I won't even be able to recognize it - and I want you to come on this journey with me.

What's the worst that can happen? I can 'fail' miserably. A year could go by and I could still be broke and relatively lonely and not have achieved any further measure of success than I've already reached. Hell - I could even 'back-slide' a little and wind up worse for the wear, and you could all be witnesses. All five of you. (Notice how my reader number is already rising:)

But these scenarios are not likely to play out for one very important reason. I am NOT a fan of public humiliation. I am actually doing this to create a sense of accountability for myself.

I know that when I have to 'report' to other people, I'm exponentially more likely to accomplish my 'mission.' And if I can really do this and record it and you are all witnesses to it, maybe you'll begin to do it too. Maybe everybody will alter their own reality to a point where we all have exactly what we want in abundance including the intangibles like peace, love and contentment.

Or maybe you'll read this - think I'm a total crack-pot and continue to draw misery into your own existance because that's all you've ever known or believed in. That part is up to you in the long run.

But as for me and my blog - I will aim to inspire.

Of course - in the next few days, as you get to know me better (I'm going to try to update daily - crossing fingers - exceptionally difficult to do while typing) you'll learn of my current reality - the one I'm striving to alter. Not all of that is inspirational at the moment. But I want it to be. So as long as I have a goal in mind, at least I have hope of better tomorrow.

I invite you to read - to share with friends and to comment. I am a bit of an attention whore - I readily confess to that. Do not however get too disheartened if I don't always reply back right away.

A large part of altering my reality will come from my physical actions when I'm not on the computer. I'm very much a 'doer' with a very active life away from my computer screen. I know in the past I've wounded the feelings of 'online friends' who feel like I don't give them enough attention. Please don't be one of those people and we'll get along famously:)

Well then - enough for now. It's a pleasure to e-meet you! I'm sure this is the beginning of a beautiful blog-venture:)

With love and warm wishes -
The Original Hillary J