Back to Normal???

It’s over – thank goodness the month of May is FINALLY over!

It blazed by. I knew it would. It’s impossible to be that busy and have a month drag on. No – May flew by in a flash of glory and guts bringing with it performance opportunities, great meals with good friends, reunions with people I haven’t seen in forever AND – an official festival selection!!!

YES – ACTION!!! will be screening at the Broad Humor Film Festival in Venice Beach California Saturday June 12 at 6pm at the Electric Lodge!
This will be our North American Festival Premier and we (Poison Oak Inc.) couldn’t be more excited! By the looks of things we are one of just three feature films screening at the event featuring a myriad of short films – all comedies, all written and directed by women.

We’re getting a great response from our people some of whom are making the trek out to LA to be a part of the festivities!

It’s happening – just like I said it would back in January or February or whenever I started this blog. All we need to do now is get distribution and we can start work on the next project. Well, we might be starting work on the next project anyway – a pilot in Daytona Beach – or we might be doing an Industrial in Orlando. Or an Industrial in Daytona…

We’ve got a few potential things in the works – not to mention a few series ideas to pitch and possibly get picked up.

There are some bigger deals in the works as well – but if I typed about them, I might have to hurt somebody:) (Probably just myself!)

So the work right now is balancing my life.

Can I be true to my inner writer and actress when I’m being the producer/director version of myself? And what of my inner friend, sister, daughter and lover? Should being financially and professionally successful come at the premium of being a failure in my personal life? Can I still help the improv troupe thrive if I’m busy promoting the film we all worked on?

Can’t all my goals work hand in hand in hand?

I watched two of my dearest friends get married Saturday. It wasn’t just a wedding – it was a production. The Epic-est Wedding Ever, as I call it! And me and another thespian friend lamented the fact that we did not have significant others in our lives to create that kind of spectacle with.

Don’t get me wrong. I have amazing creative and talented friends in my life. I get to make comedy and movies and song parodies and all kinds of great things with them. But I’m still holding out for a relationship with a ‘significant other’ that’s that stimulating and inspirational.

Do I have to wait until I’m a success? And will that make finding a lover less or MORE difficult? Men are so frequently intimidated by strong successful women… and yet to have someone love me before I ‘make it’ but adaptable to still want me after I make it – that’s a lot to ask for as well…

I guess I won’t worry.

It’s silly right? I just spent a wonderful day on a boat with friends and now I’m finally getting some much needed and sorely missed ‘down time.’
Things will all fall in place. I just need to let them – starting with the Broad Humor Film Festival in two weeks! http://www.channelsusan.com/broadhumor/features.htm

So all I need to do is make it through the next 12 days without spontaneously combusting – should be nooo problem:)

Not Giving Up

It’s imperative to let you all know that I have not given up.

Sure – I’m not keeping up – but please do not confuse that with giving up. The only reason I’m not writing as much is simply because I’m doing more:)

More emails, more publicity, more searching for sponsors, more teaching, more festival submissions, more follow-ups with distributors, more performing, more pre-production, more research, more networking, more rehearsing, more song writing, more movies and dinners with friends.

And maybe a little less sleeping – but hey, we do what we can, right?

I didn’t fess up yet – to anybody. I wish I could. I don’t really understand what makes discussing human emotions so difficult for me. It should be simple – but…

Oh well – nobody’s perfect – right?

But I do feel loved – so that’s good.

And I feel successful. And I feel like any minute I’m going to get the phone call or email that will ‘change everything.’ But then again – everything has already changed. I guess I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up!

I mean, I AM doing this. I AM devoting my time, energy and attention to BEING an actress, producer and creative force - and also to being a good friend. And goodness – I have amazing friends…

I’ve always been blessed that way. Maybe it comes from being an artist and part of a community that always reaches out to its own for some incomprehensible brand of understanding. Or maybe it’s just one of those gifts that I agreed to receive before I was ever a vessel of flesh and blood.

So maybe I will say something to somebody. Maybe I’ll stop fighting my urges to kiss him hard and see what happens. Maybe this is what the rest of ‘it’ is waiting for. Maybe my final ‘test’ is just to express my feelings just once before it’s entirely too late. And not to feel fear or dread or embarrassment – but to expect the absolute best and embrace whatever outcome I gain.

As much as I try to focus on the business stuff these days, admittedly, I keep getting distracted by thoughts of relationships – so if that’s not my heart trying to guide me – if that’s not my soul seeking balance – I don’t know what is.

In the words of Doctor Martha Louise Livingstone (my character in Agnes of God) ‘I am NOT made of granite. I am made of flesh and blood and heart… and soul…’

It is quite possibly one of my last remaining fears – that people not realize that. I don’t keep a distance because I don’t feel. I keep a distance because I do. And now maybe it’s time to start closing that gap. Maybe it’s been time for a while and I’m just starting to wake up to that reality…

I know what I’d tell someone else in my situation – so maybe I should listen to my own advice :)